Wayside School Gets Put to the Test
by NeonMixtapeTour
Summary: As the school year comes to a close, the kids at Wayside School are about to be put to the test—literally! Word goes around that Kathy may finally have made a friend, while Dana is unsure if she can take the stories of local bone-eating goblin men. Note this is unfinished, and will likely receive heavy rewrites when the actual fourth book releases. Sorry.
1. Red Ball

Everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class impatiently watched the clock on the wall. The recess bell would ring at ten o'clock, and everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class only had ten minutes before recess would be over. For most of the students at Wayside, there was plenty of time for the students to get out of the class and make it to the playground before recess began. Unfortunately, the students in Mrs. Jewls's class weren't nearly as lucky.

When Wayside School was built, it was built sideways. It was meant to be built one story tall, with thirty rooms placed in a row. Instead, it is thirty stories high, with all the classrooms stacked on top of each other. The builder said he was very sorry, but the children didn't mind. The lot they had rented out made for a very large playground. Mrs. Jewls's class was located at the very top on the thirtieth floor.

There was only one other class at Wayside which would have more trouble getting to the playground in time, which was Miss Zarves's class on the nineteenth story. There is no nineteenth story. There is no Miss Zarves.

The bell rang for recess, and every student rushed out of the classroom before Mrs. Jewls could even announce it. A few took their time, but none of them would be able to reach the first floor before the bell rang again. The fastest students in Mrs. Jewls's class could make it down in about two and a half minutes. The slowest would take at least seven.

Deedee charged down the stairs before anyone else. Unlike almost everyone else in her class, she liked recess more than spelling. She was faster than anyone else, rushing past kids from the twenty-third floor on her way to recess. She reached the playground in two minutes and twenty-eight seconds, and rushed to Louis, the yard teacher.

"Hi Louis!" she shouted from about forty-eight feet away.

"Hi Deedee," Louis said back. Deedee was only twenty-three feet away now.

"Did you see how fast I was?" Deedee said, now about eight feet from Louis.

"No," Louis said.

"That's okay," Deedee responded. "I didn't either." Deedee spotted a red ball beside Louis, and grabbed it without even asking. She usually would, but she only had about four minutes left of recess before she'd have to go upstairs, and she didn't want to waste a single second of it. She rarely got anything better than a yellow ball, which never bounced and always went the wrong way.

Terrence arrived shortly after.

"Hey, Louis!" Terrence shouted. "Give me a red ball!"

"Remember your manners, Terrence!" Louis reminded.

"Sorry," Terrence apologized, "Give me a red ball please!"

"Sorry, Terrence, but Deedee took the last one," Louis began. "I'm sure she'd be willing to play with you if you asked, though.

So, Terrence stomped on over to Deedee, who was playing one-square with the red ball. She'd play two-square or three-square, but there weren't many other kids at recess yet to play with her.

"Deedee!" Terrence shouted, "Give me your red ball please!"

"Buzz off, Terrence," Deedee said, "You'll just kick the ball over the fence."

Deedee bounced the red ball into the air and caught it. One-square wasn't a particularly interesting game to play, but it was still better than zero-square, where there's no person and no ball. I hear it's a very popular game on the nineteenth story.

Terrence watched the ball intently. _If Deedee won't share it, I'll take it instead,_ he thought.

Deedee threw the ball up in the air.

And it bounced right back down.

Then she threw it up again.

And it bounced down again.

Then she threw it up again, again.

And it fell right into Terrence's hands.

"Hey, you stole the ball! Give it back!" said Deedee.

"Ride a horse, Sammy Morse," said Terrence. He proceeded to run away with the red ball as fast as he could. Terrence was a pretty fast kid, maybe the fourth or fifth fastest student in Mrs. Jewls's class. Fortunately, Deedee was the first fastest. She was not going to take the yellow ball again.

She ran across the kickball field, where Ron was starting a match with Eric Ovens. Neither of them were very good at kickball, but it made it a fair game between them. Ron tripped over his kickball when he saw Deedee running by.

"Hey Deedee!" shouted Ron, "Do you want to play kickball?"

"Sorry, Ron, I don't have time! Terrence took my red ball!" Deedee said.

Ron decided to tag alongside Deedee, and Eric Ovens tagged alongside Ron.

Terrence, Deedee, Ron, and Eric Ovens ran past Eric Fry, and Eric Bacon, who were in the middle of a match of Way-High-Up Ball. Way-High-Up Ball is a game where you throw the ball at the school to get points. The Three Erics had made it up themselves.

"What do you mean it was a glopper?" asked Eric Fry, "It clearly hit above the sixth story window."

"Well how could I tell? The sun got in my glasses," said Eric Bacon.

"Hey, Eric and Eric! Terrence stole Deedee's red ball!" said Eric Ovens.

"So?" asked Eric Bacon.

Eric Ovens shrugged and continued running with Terrence, Deedee, and Ron. The other Erics followed him.

As the group ran across the playground, everyone stopped what they were doing to follow them. Sharie even stopped her nap on the tire swing to follow everyone, and the tire swing was her favorite place to sleep in the whole world. No one even knew what was happening anymore, but they were excited to find out.

Eventually, Terrence and Deedee reached the edge of the playground by the fence. A large crowd had followed them. Deedee probably had enough kids nearby to play twenty-square. However, none of them seemed to be in the mood to play twenty-square, and Terrence had the ball.

"Terrence! I want you to give the ball back right now!" Deedee said.

"You want me to give it to ya'? Because I'll give it to ya', alright!" Terrence threatened.

"Yes! That is exactly what I want!" Deedee shouted back.

Everyone in the crowd was screaming, preparing to see a fight.

"Kick him in the teeth!" said Rondi.

"Sock him in the eye!" said John.

"Break each other's bones!" said Kathy.

Deedee rolled up her sleeve, which wasn't much, because she was wearing a T-shirt. Terrence would also roll up his sleeve, but he wore a sleeveless shirt. Terrence wound up his fist to land the first blow, and the crowd went wild, when suddenly…

" _DRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!"_

The bell had rung. Ten minutes were up, and recess was over. Terrence handed the ball back to Deedee, who handed it back to Louis. The crowd broke up, and everyone headed up the stairs. No one wanted to be late for Mrs. Jewls's class, though it always felt as if no one was in quite the same rush to run back upstairs. On the way up, Deedee and Terrence talked for a second.

"Are we gonna settle this at lunch?" asked Terrence.

"I don't know," responded Deedee, "Ron asked if he wanted to play kickball earlier and I think I'm gonna join him."

"Fine…" Terrence grumbled. "See you during class…"

"You too, I guess," Deedee said.

The two didn't say another word as they walked back to Mrs. Jewls's class.


	2. WAT Test

All the students walked back into Mrs. Jewls's classroom after recess. It was to no one's surprise that everyone was exhausted. You would be exhausted, too, if you had to climb thirty flights of stairs every morning. It was to everyone's surprise, however, that Mr. Kidswatter was standing at the front of the room. Mr. Kidswatter was the school principal.

"Everyone, return to your seats," Mrs. Jewls said, "Mr. Kidswatter is here to explain the WAT Test to us all! Please be at your best behavior."

Everybody booed.

"Good morning, class, it is great to see all your bright, chipper faces!" Mr. Kidswatter said to the class of dozing students. "I am here to talk about standardized testing, and mostly how great it is! Some people think report cards are the best way to show how smart a student is, but that obviously isn't true. All that usually does is crush their self-esteem."

A few members of the class nodded.

"I believe in a far better approach to ensuring we can prove how brilliant our students are! At the end of the year, we have everyone in the classroom take a long test that combines everything they should know into one tidy packet!" Mr. Kidswatter continued.

Mr. Kidswatter lost the few students who were catching on.

"Unfortunately, at Wayside School, we only have one test, the WAT Test! The goal of the WAT Test is quite simple: everyone who passes the WAT Test will move on to middle school, and everyone who fails it will not! Any questions?"

Sharie buried her face in her overcoat and began to fall asleep.

Terrence also seemed to be burying his face.

"What?" asked Benjamin.

"Exactly! The WAT Test! I knew you'd catch on!" exclaimed Mr. Kidswatter.

A few hands were raised around the room.

"Yes, the girl in the blue windbreaker," said Mr. Kidswatter, pointing at Allison.

"What does WAT stand for?" asked Allison.

"The WAT is the Wayside Academic Test," Mr. Kidswatter responded.

"Doesn't that make it the Wayside Academic Test Test?" Allison continued.

"No, because then it would be a test about the WAT Test. The WAT Test simply questions all the things you've learned this year. The boy in the yellow jacket?"

"Actually, it's a hornet," said Stephen, who was spending all day in his new costume. "I think it's time we finally ditch the platypus as the school mascot."

"Thank you for the suggestion, but I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the kid at the back of the room. What were you about to ask?" Mr. Kidswatter asked.  
John lowered his hand. "What are some of the questions that will be on the WAT Test?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Mr. Kidswatter responded. He pulled out a small white sheet of paper with a few questions written on it.

"What does 'Que' translate to in English?"

"What?" asked Eric Fry.

"Very good!" responded Mr. Kidswatter, "What is a unit used to measure power?"

"What?" asked Todd.

"That's right! And finally, what's the name of the test you'll be taking?"

"What?" asked Joe.

"You see? It's a very easy quiz. You are all catching on very quickly! I'm certain you'll all pass!"

All of the students were still entirely confused. Mr. Kidswatter rarely made sense to them, and it felt like he was making less sense than usual.  
"I'm lost," said Diana.

"No, or else you wouldn't be in Mrs. Jewls's classroom," replied Mr. Kidswatter.

Diana didn't continue.

"I have time for one more question," Mr. Kidswatter claimed, "Any takers?"

Todd raised his hand.

"What would it be, young fellow?" Mr. Kidswatter asked.

"I'm sorry, what did you say happens if we aren't able to pass the test?" Todd asked.

"I said you won't be able to move on to the fifth grade. Now if you excuse me, I have an-"

"Fifth grade?" Allison interrupted, "You mean, middle school?"

"I meant fifth grade, but I suppose it is in middle school," Kidswatter began, only to soon be interrupted.

"You mean we won't be in Mrs. Jewls's class?" Eric Ovens asked.

"I'm not sure, let me ask Mrs. Jewls," Kidswatter started. "Mrs. Jewls, do you plan to start teaching at the middle school?"

"Oh, heavens no," Mrs. Jewls stated. "I love this school far too much to leave!"

The students gasped. Stephen fainted. His costume was way too warm to wear to class on a day like this.

No one wanted to leave Mrs. Jewls's class. The students had all been to other schools before, because one time the school was completely filled with cows. The students hated those schools an awful lot. They weren't used to adding numbers or walking across long stretches of land without a staircase in sight. It was just no fun.

Outrage had fallen upon Mrs. Jewls's class. Everyone was asking Mr. Kidswatter more questions about what middle school would be like, if they'd get to watch movies about turtles anymore, and if the teachers would be as mean as their old teacher Mrs. Gorf. However, Mr. Kidswatter didn't listen.

"I only said I had time for one more question. Clearly, you all need to learn to listen a little better before the test this April. Until then, it is my duty to talk about the WAT test to the kids on the twenty-ninth story. I bid you farewell!" Mr. Kidswatter said.

Mr. Kidswatter adjusted his green suit jacket, and walked out the door, closing it on the class of mortified students.


	3. Anti-Test Protest

No one in Mrs. Jewls's class was able to focus on their work. They tried as hard as they could, but it wasn't happening.

"Leaving Wayside School? How could I let that happen?" asked Dameon.

"I don't know about you, but I'm not even going to go to middle school. On the first day of school next year, I'm just going to come here instead," insisted Mac.

"I don't know, I've always wondered what high school is like," said Allison.

"Why are you wondering? We're already at the highest school in town!" exclaimed Jason.

Mrs. Jewls gave up teaching her lesson. It was clear no one intended to listen, not on a day like this. "Class, I know you all don't want to leave, but-"

"Yeah we don't want to leave!" exclaimed Jason.

"I know, but sometimes moving on is a valuable part of life. Nothing you want to keep lasts forever. I understand why you're upset, but you need to learn how to move on," Mrs. Jewls explained.

But everyone in class had already given up learning that day, and that included learning about how to move on. Everyone decided they needed help, so they all went to Myron. He was a good listener, everyone thought, they knew he'd know what to do.

Everyone gathered at the side of the room where Myron sat. Everyone tried to shout their concerns simultaneously, hoping Myron was listening. However, Myron was already a step ahead of the class. He wasn't listening, he was thinking. In history class, they were learning about the 1920s. In the 1920s, working conditions weren't very good. People would often lose their toes or fingers working on long assembly lines for little pay. When things got too bad, they would protest against their CEOs until things got better. Myron was looking at his history book for ideas, when he finally got it.

"Settle down, class, settle down!" he said. "I think I have an idea!"

"What is it?" asked Calvin.

"We need to hold a protest at Wayside School!" began Myron, though he was quickly interrupted.

"Pro-test? But that's the opposite of what we want! I'm the most anti-test person you'd ever meet!" shouted Jason.

"Yeah, tests are for chumps!" agreed Joy.

"No, not like that!" Myron corrected, "In a protest, we all band together to combat something we don't like. If we all work together hard enough, and show how much we want to stay, maybe Mr. Kidswatter won't make us take the WAT Test, and we can stay at Wayside another year."

Most of the kids in class agreed it was a great idea. No one was sure why Terrence wasn't joining. Taking a harder class next year seemed like it would be the least enjoyable thing for him.

Nonetheless, the kids had decided. They were going to protest. They were all wondering what to do, when the lunch bell rang.

As Myron walked out the room, the kids all followed him. "What should we do first?" asked Todd.

"Well it's lunch right now, so I think we should hold a hunger strike. If we don't order food from Miss Mush, maybe the teachers will realize we're starving, and help us get what we want," Myron explained.

Everyone agreed it was a great idea.

Everyone got into the lunch line.

"And what would you like, Maurecia?" asked Miss Mush.

"Nothing," said Maurecia.

"Very nice choice. That's our most popular menu item," said Miss Mush.

Miss Mush was the lunch lady at Wayside School. Today she had prepared a nice tray of Mystery Meat after hearing how much people liked to check out mystery novels from the library, but it wasn't nearly as popular as nothing.

All the students held a hunger strike and didn't eat any food served to them by Miss Mush, but Miss Mush didn't realize it. As far as she knew, everyone ordered what they usually would. After lunch, no one was any less hungry than they'd usually be. None of the students realized Miss Mush didn't realize they were protesting. As far as they were concerned, the hunger strike was a success.

After lunch, the students all gathered in the hallway for their next protest idea. "Any suggestions?" asked Myron.

Todd spoke out, "I don't know about you guys, but I think I'm gonna go home early today, so Mrs. Jewls knows that I won't show up to class if I have to take the WAT Test."

"I applaud your idea, but I'm going to stay here with the rest of the students to make sure the teachers can hear us," said Myron.

"Alright, I wish you all good luck!" Todd walked downstairs and rode home early on the kindergarten bus. In Mrs. Jewls's class, if a student did something wrong, they would have to write their name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE. If they continued messing up, they'd eventually have to place a check next to their name, and by the third strike, they'd circle their name and go home at noon on the kindergarten bus. Todd was a good kid, but he often made mistakes which had him sent home early. However, Todd didn't do anything wrong today. He just went home early to help support the cause.

"Any other suggestions?" asked Myron.

"Oooh! Ooooh!" said Mac.

"Yes, Mac?" asked Myron.

"Usually Mrs. Jewls tells a story after lunch, right?" Mac began, "Well what if we disrupt the story by laughing at it? If we laugh through her story, Mrs. Jewls will think we aren't taking anything seriously, and will know we won't take the WAT Test seriously either, that way we can spend another year at Wayside!"

Everyone agreed it was a brilliant idea.

The bell rang and everyone headed upstairs to Mrs. Jewls's classroom.

"Good afternoon, class, I hope you enjoyed your lunch," Mrs. Jewls said.

"We didn't," said Joy.

"Well I am sorry to hear that," Mrs. Jewls began. She looked around for a few seconds. "Where's Todd?"

"He went home early," explained Maurecia.

"That's odd," started Mrs. Jewls, "His name wasn't even on the DISCIPLINE list. I hope he's okay. For the rest of you, please take your seats. We have a new story to read today." Everyone got into their seats to listen to the story, but at every page, they disrupted Mrs. Jewls with a round of laughter. Dana laughed especially hard. She couldn't help it, she just had to in a class of smiling students.

"My, it's just wonderful to see how much everyone is enjoying this story," Mrs. Jewls said. No one but Dana had ever laughed so much at her stories. Mrs. Jewls was glad to see everyone with such a bright attitude.

After storytime was art class. Everyone was supposed to draw a picture that reflected their emotions, but no one listened to Mrs. Jewls's prompt. Instead, everyone worked hard to draw protest signs to plaster all over the school. Bebe and Calvin worked together to draw as many as they could, just in case anyone fell behind. Mrs. Jewls was glad. "My, I've never seen you all so active in art class either! I think I can grow to appreciate this behavior."

After art was P.E. No one liked P.E. very much, all everyone had to do was walk all over the school. They used to play basketball, because there was a basketball court on a balcony outside the gymnasium, but whenever a student wasn't able to aim a shot perfectly, it meant that basketball was gone forever. Eventually the gym teacher was tired of ordering new basketballs. The gymnasium was on the twenty-eighth floor.

"Does anyone have an idea of what we can do during P.E.?" asked Myron.

"I suggest we hold a walkout," said Allison. "If we all walk out during gym class, the teachers will all know something is wrong, and they will have to listen to us. Then, we won't have to take the WAT Test."

Everyone agreed once again. They walked inside the gymnasium to see Mr. Mandering, the gym teacher. "Alright, class!" he said, "Today we're going to walk downstairs to the first story as fast as we can, then walk all the way back up to the thirtieth. Is everyone ready?"

Myron got up and walked out the door. Allison soon followed. Soon, everyone in the class participated in the walkout. They walked all the way down to the first story as fast as they could, that way they would be outside as soon as possible. Some of the students hung up the posters they made during art class. To make sure posters were on every flight of stairs, some of the students walked all the way back upstairs. Of course, they were going to be in Mrs. Jewls's class once again after that, so the rest of the class followed.

"It's just wonderful to see so many obedient students," said Mr. Mandering.

Everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class reconciled in the thirtieth story hallway before class started.

"I'm glad to see that the protest is going so well," said Myron.

"I agree. I'm glad we won't have to take the WAT Test," said Joy.

"Thank goodness. I don't ever want to go to another school," said Sue.

Mrs. Jewls walked outside to see all the students. "It's nice to see all of you spending time together. It's good to know you're cherishing the moments you have at Wayside School. I'm glad that you are all learning a lot from each other. I am sure you will do excellent on the WAT Test in April. Class is going to start in five minutes. Feel free to relax in the halls until then."

Mrs. Jewls walked back inside.

"I don't get it," said Myron, "We protested all we could, and yet we still have to take the WAT Test. No matter what we try, we don't get another year at Wayside. It's hopeless."

Myron rest down in sorrow, with his head against his knees. He wasn't sure what went wrong.

"Hey now, at least we were all able to do something together," said D.J.

"Maybe if we all fail the test, we can stay here anyway," suggested Joy.

"No!" shouted a voice that sounded like a rusty drainpipe. It was Terrence.

"Oh, great," said Deedee. "What do you have to say about this?"

Terrence sighed. He was embarrassed to tell his classmates, but he knew he would have to eventually. "Last year, I was in this class. Mrs. Gorf wasn't teaching yet, so I was spared from being turned into an apple, but I wasn't spared from taking the WAT Test. I don't think I gotta say much for you to know how well I did."

"Oh, come on," said Jason, "How come you were able to get an extra year at Wayside School?"

"Do you really think I wanted this? My parents were so upset that they made me study all summer, just so I wouldn't mess up again. My former classmates all thought I was a joke because they thought I was too stupid to pass the fourth grade," Terrence said. "If there's anything all of you should know, it's that you don't want to get held back. No matter how much you like it here at Wayside School, it's just not worth it."

For once, everyone agreed Terrence was right. Studying all summer just sounded like an absolute bore. Perhaps there was no way to avoid the WAT Test.

"But what if I don't want to go to a new school?" asked Mac.

"Don't worry, Mac, I'm sure we can all stick together!" said D.J. "Even if we're not at the same school, I'm sure we can all enjoy the time we have with each other."

"I doubt it," said Kathy.

The bell rang for class, and everyone went inside. For the rest of the day, the class worked as hard as they could. Mrs. Jewls was so pleased by everyone's positive attitudes, that she let everyone in class have a Tootsie Roll Pop. That afternoon, the Tootsie Roll Pops tasted sweeter than they ever had before. Everyone wanted to make sure that they were savoring the time they had left at Wayside.


	4. Valentine's Day

The next day, all the students were calmed down. No one wanted to leave Wayside School quite yet, but they thought it was fair they they shouldn't get held back. That also sounded terrible.

Focusing on the positives, the school dance was in a few months, and today was Valentine's Day. Most of the students would hand out Valentines to every kid in class, even the ones they didn't like.

"Happy Valentine's Day," said John as he handed some candy hearts to Dana.

"Thank you, John, happy Valentine's Day to you too!" Dana said as she handed a card to John.

John and Dana hated each other, but they were willing to put aside their differences for the occasion. Miss Mush had prepared chalk-flavored candy hearts for the students to give to one another. At least, they tasted chalk-flavored.

Everyone wanted to be nice. Only Kathy and Eric Bacon didn't hand out Valentines.

Kathy hated everyone, even so much that she didn't hand out Valentines, so she was out of the question. Eric Bacon didn't get Valentines, because he had other plans.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Eric Fry.

"What do you mean? It's a brilliant idea," responded Eric Bacon.

Eric Bacon had set up a cardboard box outside Mrs. Jewls's class. "RELATIONSHIP ADVICE - 25¢" had been written on the front.

"What exactly are you planning?" asked Eric Ovens.

"Well, it's really simple," Eric Bacon started explaining, "With today being Valentine's Day, and the Spring Formal being in April, clearly right now is the time students are going to be falling in love. Obviously, we're gonna need a bit of guidance to get some couples together during this time, and getting advice from a smooth talker like me is just what this class needs."

Allison was walking downstairs with Rondi when she saw Eric Bacon's Relationship Advice box. "Ewww, who would want advice from 'Fatso?'"

Rondi giggled.

"Hey!" Eric Bacon shouted, as Allison and Rondi walked away. Eric Bacon was the skinniest kid in Mrs. Jewls's class, but everyone called him "Fatso" because Eric Fry and Eric Ovens are fat—so all Erics must be.

"Are you sure this is a good business?" Eric Ovens asked.

"I'm certain this isn't," Eric Fry responded.

"No, you see, there are some desperate kids in there, and fortunately I've figured it all out." Eric Bacon got out a chart of the seating arrangement of all the kids in Mrs. Jewls's class. Scribbles were all over the sheet, connecting each student to another and all sorts of strange things. He went on to explain how he was going to hook up each couple in Mrs. Jewls's class. Eric Fry was still confused what he was trying to get to.

"Okay, and why are you doing this?" Eric Fry asked.

"To hook myself up with Leslie," Eric Bacon said. He pointed to a desk by the bookcase at the back of the room, behind Sharie. He avoided connecting it to any of the other seats in the class. "She's probably the prettiest, maybe second prettiest kid in class, and how could she resist a handsome, smooth talker like me?"

"If the feeling isn't mutual," said Eric Fry.

Eric Bacon tried shushing Eric Fry. Eric Fry was good friends with Eric Bacon, but occasionally his dumb schemes could get a little bit irritating.

"Trust me," Eric Bacon started, "Soon we're gonna be swarming with customers."

For the next hour or so, almost nothing happened whatsoever. Allison and Rondi returned from downstairs, and giggled again upon seeing Eric Bacon. Eric Fry and Eric Ovens stuck by his side, but both of them were aware the situation felt a little hopeless.

"Should I go inside and ask for customers?" asked Eric Ovens.

"No, no. They'll come eventually," Eric Bacon assured. He rested his head back as he waited, and stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Do you know how many tiles are on the ceiling?" he asked.

Eric Ovens shook his head.

"Neither do I, I was wondering if you knew," Eric Bacon responded.

"Oh," Eric Ovens said.

It was just about hopeless. Allison was right, no one wanted relationship advice from "Fatso." Eric Bacon grew drowsy, and his eyelids grew heavy. After a few moments, he laid back, and went to sleep.

Only to be immediately woken up. "Hey!" shouted the very loud voice of a very little girl.

It was Sharie. She had placed a quarter on the cardboard box.

Eric Bacon had business. "And what can I do for you, little girl?" he asked.

"I think I have a crush on one of the kids in class, but I'm not sure how to talk to them. Do you think you could help out?" she said.

"I was made to help out. Could you tell me a little more?" Eric Bacon said.

"Oh, well, umm…. This kid sits pretty close to me, in about the same row," Sharie started.

Eric Bacon snapped his fingers. "Ah! I get what you mean, so you want to tell me about Stephen, eh?"

Sharie was befuddled. "What? No!" she laughed. "You're being silly, Eric."

Eric Bacon didn't expect his plans to be foiled so easily, but fortunately he still knew of other ways he could pull through. All it would need is a little reorganization.

"Oh, is it Myron?" Eric Bacon asked.

Sharie shook her head.

"Jason? Paul?" Eric Bacon asked. Eric Bacon made sure to check both the row and column, he wasn't sure which Sharie meant.

Sharie continued shaking her head.

"One of these guys?" Eric Bacon said as he pointed to the other Erics. Eric Ovens and Eric Fry occasionally traded seats, so sometimes either one would be in the same row as Sharie. But Sharie shook her head once again. Eric Bacon was just discombobulated. That was every boy in both the row and column.

"Okay, I'm out of ideas," Eric Bacon said, "Who is it?"

Sharie looked around a few seconds before she spoke, just to make sure no one but the Erics were hearing her. "She sits right behind me," Sharie whispered.

Eric Bacon looked at the chart again, just to be sure. That was Leslie's seat.

"...You have a crush on Leslie?" Eric Bacon asked.

"Shhhhh! She might hear you!" Sharie said to Eric Bacon. "I don't know, I just think she's cute. Is there anything you can do to help?"

Eric Bacon didn't want to help. He was hoping _he_ would get with Leslie, not Sharie! He needed a moment to think of a solution.

"I'll get back to you on this. Do you think you could take a nap for half an hour or so?" Eric Bacon asked.

"Think I could? I'd love to! I'll get back to you in half an hour!" Sharie said. She walked back inside, pulled the hood of her red and blue overcoat over her face, and went to sleep. Mrs. Jewls didn't mind, she thought Sharie learned the best that way.

In the hallway, Eric Fry and Eric Ovens were giggling at Eric Bacon. Eric Bacon was upset. "Could you please stop?!" he asked.

"I'm sorry," said Eric Ovens, "It's just too funny not to."

Eric Bacon groaned. He seriously needed a plan to keep Sharie away from Leslie before the school dance in April. "Eric Fry? Eric Ovens? Do either of you have any ideas?" he asked.

"Maybe you should just let Sharie get with Leslie. There's like, eleven other girls in Mrs. Jewls's class," Eric Fry suggested.

"No, that would never work," said Eric Bacon.

"I'm pretty sure it would," corrected Eric Fry.

"What needs to happen is that I need to get into contact with Leslie before Sharie wakes up from her nap. Could one of you two go inside to get her?" Eric Bacon asked.

"Okay, Eric!" said Eric Ovens. He walked inside and took the seat at the back of the room next to Paul. Paul sat behind Leslie.

"Hey Leslie, could you come out to the hallway? Eric Bacon would like to see you," Eric Ovens said.

"What for?" Leslie asked.

"Oh, you know, he just wants to talk," Eric Ovens said. He smiled for a second.

Leslie wasn't sure what Eric Ovens had meant, but she figured she may as well get it over with. She raised her hand, and asked Mrs. Jewls if she could go out into the hallway.

"Okay, just make sure you can copy notes from someone else when you come back," Mrs. Jewls said.

Leslie walked out into the hall, and Eric Ovens followed her. She looked at the cardboard box and laughed for a second. "You have to be kidding me," she said.

"That's what I said," said Eric Fry.

"Shhhhh! That'll be twenty-five cents," Eric Bacon said.

Leslie reached into her pocket and took out a quarter. She placed it on top of the cardboard box.

"What do you want?" Leslie begrudgingly asked.

Eric Bacon briefly combed his hair and took a mint. He wanted to make sure everything was perfect for this occasion.

"Let's just say I know who you have a crush on," Eric Bacon said, trying to act as suave as he could.

"Really?" Leslie asked. "How did you figure out?"

"Oh, let's just say I have my ways. I know that you have a crush on one of the kids in class, and if we're being honest, you're already looking at him," Eric Bacon said.

Leslie squinted and looked around the room. "Where?" she asked. She had no clue who Eric Bacon was talking about.

"You mean… you don't have a crush on me?" said the fairly resistible Eric Bacon.

Leslie smirked for a second, then laughed the loudest she had ever laughed before. "You're hilarious, Eric. Maybe we should talk more sometime. You're funny." Eric Fry and Eric Ovens also laughed a little. They didn't want to laugh at their friend, but it was hard for them not to. Eric Bacon was never more frustrated. He placed a "CLOSED" sign in front of the box, and stormed downstairs. He didn't know where he was going, but wherever it was, it was not near Mrs. Jewls's class. No one saw him leave, their eyes were closed as they laughed.

Leslie finally calmed down. "What happened to Eric?" she asked.

"I'm still here," said Eric Ovens and Eric Fry.

"No, I meant Eric Bacon," Leslie said.

Eric Fry and Eric Ovens shrugged their shoulders.

"I guess I'll be going then," Leslie said as she began to walk away, but before she could go through the door, Eric Fry interrupted her.

"Wait!" said Eric Fry.

Leslie quickly turned around. Her long pigtails swung behind her. "What is it?"

"Sharie stopped by the booth earlier and told us she has a crush on you. I'm not sure if that matters much, but you may as well talk to her about it," Eric Fry explained.

Leslie paused for a moment and blushed. "Thank you," she said as she walked back inside.

Later that day, Leslie told Sharie that she loved her. Sharie was glad to hear it from Leslie, because Eric Bacon wasn't at the booth to give advice when she woke up, and she couldn't think of anything herself during her thirty minute nap. The two spent the rest of Valentine's Day together. Sharie didn't even sleep at the tire swing during lunch and recess, because she wanted to talk to Leslie more.

Eric Fry and Eric Ovens shut down the relationship advice column. They knew nothing about relationships, even with Eric Bacon's earlier guidance, but to be fair, it didn't seem like Eric Bacon knew very much either. It wasn't too long before they caught up on their classwork and forgot about the whole thing.

Eric Bacon didn't have the worst day ever either. Sure, the relationship advice column completely backfired, but he made fifty cents. He thought of all the things he could buy with fifty cents. That was at least enough for one big gumball, or maybe five smaller gumballs. He didn't return to Mrs. Jewls's class for the rest of the day, he was too embarrassed, but at least Miss Mush let him have some extra chalk-flavored candy hearts.

In the end, most things kind of worked out. A couple got together, some guy made fifty cents, and everyone got to feast on chalk-flavored candy hearts and chocolate-flavored chocolate. As far as everyone was concerned, it was an alright Valentine's Day.


	5. School Mascot

Stephen placed a stack of papers on Calvin's desk. "Calvin, I need your help," said Stephen.

Calvin looked up for a second and saw Stephen. He mouthed the word "Me?" for a second, and Stephen nodded his head.

"What do you need me for?" asked Calvin.

"It's about the school mascot. I'm worried the platypus isn't working anymore. It's too awkward, and the cheer team can't think of anything clever with the name!" Stephen explained. "So I'm starting a grassroots movement to change the mascot to the hornets. Having your help would just be excellent."

Calvin was curious. "Why can't you just do this yourself?" he asked.

"I'm too busy being class president," Stephen said, "The rest of the class needs me. I hope you can handle this, I know you're always one to help."

Being class president was a very important-sounding job. Emphasis on "sounding," all it encompassed was flickering the lights on and off whenever Mrs. Jewls asked. Calvin looked at the papers in front of him. They were flyers promoting the "Wayside Hornets." "FLY LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A HORNET" was written underneath in smaller letters.

"I'm still working on the catchphrase," said Stephen, "But the important thing is that you get these flyers around the school. I'm glad I can count on you."

Stephen walked away, leaving Calvin with the flyers. Calvin picked them all up and walked outside.

However, Calvin didn't really want to post the flyers anywhere. He liked the platypus mascot.

Sure, it was goofy, but it was fitting. There's not much goofier than a school that was accidentally built sideways.

But at the same time, Stephen was someone with an important-sounding title. Calvin was worried what Stephen would do if there wasn't a poster on every story of Wayside School by the end of the day.

So Calvin grabbed all the flyers and a roll of tape. He just put them wherever a flyer should go, at the end of stairwells, above drinking fountains, on bulletin boards. He encountered a couple of WAT Test protest signs on the way down. He questioned whether or not he should tear them down. They had already decided against the protest, but some people worked very hard during art class on them. He decided to take them down, but hand them back to whoever drew them, just to be safe.

Eventually Calvin had flyers on every story of the building. His work was done. He wasn't completely satisfied, but he wasn't quite sure what else he should do.

Fortunately, Bebe was sure what else he could do.

Bebe was Calvin's best friend. Her full name was Bebe Gunn.

"Calvin, have you seen the posters around the school?" asked Bebe.

Calvin nodded his head.

"Oh, it's terrible, just terrible!" Bebe began, "Why would anyone want to replace the platypus as the school mascot?"

"I agree," said Calvin.

"Thank you Calvin, I knew you were always by my side. The Hornets just sound so plain! So many other schools already use that, we shouldn't be another one!" Bebe exclaimed. "Calvin, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Because I'm thinking what we need is a grassroots movement to make sure we never have to change the mascot to the hornets. I think Wayside should stick with the platypus, it keeps us unique, and that's what I like to see!"

So Bebe drew up several flyers to go against the Wayside Hornets. She couldn't stand such an uncreative mascot. Bebe was the fastest draw in Mrs. Jewls's class—she could draw thirty flyers to put around the school in less than ten minutes. She would take longer, but this was urgent.

"Calvin, can you hang these up for me? I need to run back up to Mrs. Jewls's class," said Bebe.

"Sure," responded Calvin.

"Thank you! You're the greatest!" exclaimed Bebe. She ran upstairs as fast as she could.

Calvin held Bebe's flyers in his hand. He figured he would place them on every story. He put them wherever a flyer should go, on the stairs, at drinking fountains, on bulletin boards. Eventually there was two flyers on every floor, one for the Hornets, and one for the Platypuses. (Platypi? Platypodes?) Calvin's work was finished. He headed back to class, and focused on his work for the rest of the day.

The next day, as soon as Calvin got off the bus and went inside, he was confronted by Stephen.

"Calvin! You won't believe the awful thing that has happened! Next to every poster you put up for the Hornets is another one against them!" Stephen started.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Calvin.

"Don't worry, you and I are a team here, we just need to figure out how we can stop this counter-movement," Stephen said. Stephen thought for a second, when something came to him.

"We can hold a petition!" Stephen said, "For each signature you collect to change the Platypuses to the Hornets, we donate one dollar to the local beekeeper."

"Doesn't he keep bees, not hornets?" Calvin asked.

"Yes, but I'm not sure if people would sign to help the local hornetkeeper. People don't like hornets very much, because they don't make honey," Stephen explained.

Stephen gave Calvin a few sheets of paper to collect signatures.

"Thanks for helping out, Calvin, I knew I could count on you!" Stephen said. He ran upstairs to the thirtieth story so he could turn on the lights. If he didn't do that, the class presidency would be handed to someone else.

Calvin didn't feel like walking around the school to collect signatures, so he pinned the papers to the bulletin board on the first floor. He made sure to write what the petition was for, so people would know what they were signing onto. Calvin was worried, because about a thousand kids attended Wayside School. Calvin didn't have a thousand dollars, but he was willing to work for it if necessary. His mother could probably help with his allowance. As the sheet collected signatures, Calvin walked back to class.

During recess, Bebe met Calvin on the staircase.

"Calvin, those hornet people are at it again! They've organized a petition and everything!" Bebe said.

"Oh my," Calvin responded.

"Well we can't just have one petition, or else it isn't fair. If only one side is being heard, then everyone will think that that's the only thing people want," Bebe explained. She handed a couple sheets of paper to Calvin. "We should have a petition too, and for each signature we collect, we can donate a dollar to protect the platypus."

"But the platypus isn't endangered," Calvin said.

"Yes, but if everyone thinks they're donating to a good cause, they will anyway. Could you write this up for me? I want to go outside for recess. Thank you so much!"

Bebe ran outside, while Calvin held the papers. He pinned them to the bulletin board alongside the first one. As the day went on and everyone saw the two petitions, they continued to collect signatures.

Mrs. Day always showed up to school two hours early. She was the school secretary. It was her job to keep everything in order, because Mr. Kidswatter wasn't very good at that. She looked at the bulletin board in the morning, and saw the two petitions.

Mr. Kidswatter wasn't going to show up until eight in the morning, so she spent an hour counting the signatures on each petition. There was about five hundred signatures on each petition. A kid named "Calvin Hobbes" had his name written on both.

Mr. Kidswatter showed up an hour later. "Good morning, Mr. Kidswatter," said Mrs. Day.

"Good morning, Miss Night," said Mr. Kidswatter.

Mrs. Day handed Mr. Kidswatter a cup of coffee. Mr. Kidswatter walked up to his office door. It was closed.

"Miss Night, could you open the goozack for me?" asked Mr. Kidswatter.

"Of course, Mr. Kidswatter!" said Mrs. Day.

You weren't supposed to say "door" at Wayside School. Mr. Kidswatter said it was a bad word, and that you should say "goozack" instead. As to why he called Mrs. Day "Miss Night," nobody knew that.

Mr. Kidswatter walked into his office, and Mrs. Day quickly followed. Mr. Kidswatter sat down in his large desk, and started drinking his coffee. Mrs. Day handed him the two petitions.

"What are these?" Mr. Kidswatter asked.

"They're petitions, Mr. Kidswatter. It seems the students want a new mascot, or at least half of them do," Mrs. Day explained.

"How many signatures does the one to get rid of the platypus have?" asked Mr. Kidswatter.

"About five hundred," said Mrs. Day.

"To keep the platypus?" asked Mr. Kidswatter.

"Also about five hundred," said Mrs. Day.

"Those little brats can't decide anything," Mr. Kidswatter said. He laid back in his large chair and thought for a few seconds before he finally came up with a solution. It was a brilliant idea, he thought. He was certain everyone would be happy.

An hour later, at nine o'clock, the students showed up to class. Mr. Kidswatter's voice crackled over the intercom.

" **Good morning, students,"** he began. He paused for a moment, hoping everyone was saying "Good morning, Mr. Kidswatter." But no one ever did.

" **Today I want to talk about the school mascot,"** Mr. Kidswatter said.

Stephen and Bebe were both anxious about what Mr. Kidswatter was about to say. They both hoped their petition got more signatures.

" **Today, Miss Night handed me a petition that said we should change our mascot from the platypus to the hornets. The petition had about five hundred signatures."**

Stephen was excited.

" **However, I was also handed another petition to keep the mascot as the platypus as well. It also had about five hundred signatures."**

" **Clearly, you students know nothing about cooperation, and I find that disappointing. Fortunately, you have a thoughtful principal like me to help solve all of your problems. I have decided that to prevent future conflict, we will combine the two and become the Wayside Platyphornepuses. Platyphornepi? Platyphornepodes? Whatever. It has a little bit of what everyone wants, so no one should feel too upset. Hopefully, in the future, you can learn to compromise, and have ideas as brilliant as this one. This change goes into effect immediately. My decision is final."**

It was weird. Even though the Platyphornepus had a little bit of what everyone wanted in a mascot, almost no one seemed incredibly happy with the change. It was still too difficult to cheer for, and it was most certainly too awkward.

"I was really hoping we'd get to be the Horneplats," said Joe.

But nonetheless, everyone carried on anyway. No one dared to speak up against Mr. Kidswatter, and it wasn't all disadvantages, it was at the very least a unique mascot, and no one could argue with that.

Stephen and Bebe both thanked Calvin for the effort he made, even if it meant nothing, because both were glad that he put in the effort, and that was all that counted.

Calvin was glad too. He looked at the Platyphornepus and smiled. It was goofy, it was awkward, it was weird. It was everything he wanted from his silly, sideways school.


	6. Sick Day

Todd was not feeling particularly great.

It wasn't anything to do with the WAT Test or the terrible new mascot, he was just feeling sick. Flu season was almost over, but it just caught Todd at the last second.

It was strange, it almost felt as if Todd could never get a break. Even if he managed to stay out of trouble, something would have to come along to ruin his day. No matter what, Todd tried to keep a positive attitude. Everyone always told Todd that no matter what happens to him in life, he should always keep a positive attitude.

But when you're feeling sick, it's hard to avoid feeling miserable. Especially in the case of someone like Todd.

Todd was a good kid, but he always got caught doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. He had missed an impressive amount of school, because Mrs. Jewls would punish him by sending him home early on the kindergarten bus.

Todd's father was worried about getting in trouble himself if Todd were to miss too much school, so Todd came to class on a sick day. That being said, he wasn't sure how long he could make it.

Mrs. Jewls was working hard to make sure the class stayed healthy until flu season was over. Once flu season was over, she wouldn't be too concerned. She usually taught the class three new things every day, but for the past week or so, it felt like all of her lessons were on personal hygiene.

"And remember class, whenever you finish using the restroom, or whenever you're going to eat or prepare a meal, you should always wash your hands," Mrs. Jewls explained. "Washing your hands is very important, because it gets rid of harmful germs that can-"

Todd coughed very loudly. He tried covering it with his hand, but Mrs. Jewls still heard him.

"Todd! You know not to disrupt class," Mrs. Jewls said. "You must listen, like the rest of the class. Now, go write your name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE."

"But Mrs. Jewls, I can't help it, I'm sick," explained Todd.

"Now, now, Todd, you can save your sickness for after the lesson. You wouldn't have gotten sick if you had been listening like everyone else," Mrs. Jewls stated.

Todd tried as hard as he could to avoid the flu, but he just must've been unlucky. At this point, he was used to it. Nothing _ever_ seemed to go well for him.

"Well if you aren't going to write your name on the blackboard, maybe you should check with the school nurse," Mrs. Jewls said, "She can help to treat your illness, and hopefully you can feel better soon."

Todd didn't want to see the nurse. If she were to find out he had the flu, he'd get sent home early anyway, which is entirely what he was trying to avoid by coming to school.

Of course, he wasn't sure if he could survive a day without getting three strikes on the blackboard, either.

Dr. Phrosenberg was the nurse at Wayside School. Her office was on the twenty-sixth floor.

But before we start talking about her, there is something you should know about Wayside School.

Wayside School had to operate on a very tight budget this year. Even disregarding the low wages teachers have to operate on, a fair bit of money went into repairing the school from damages caused by rampant cows, getting a new flagpole, and building the elevators, which only worked once anyway. Dr. Phrosenberg was an excellent doctor, but she had hardly any money to get anything that could actually help the students. She was able to afford a mini fridge, which costed about a hundred dollars, a thermometer, which costed about sixty dollars, and an ice tray, which costed about fifty cents. And that was it.

Todd walked into Dr. Phrosenberg's office. She was a tall woman with long, dark hair, and a white coat. She wore a medical mask to keep out the flu.

"And what would be bothering you today?" asked Dr. Phrosenberg.

"My head hurts and my throat is sore. I feel like I'm tired and about to throw up," Todd said.

"Oh my, it seems like you have an awfully bad case of the flu. Have you been remembering to wash your hands?" Dr. Phrosenberg began, "Whenever you finish using the restroom, or whenever you're going to eat or prepare a meal, you should always wash your hands. Washing your hands is very important, because it gets rid of harmful germs that can-"

Todd coughed into his hand again, but it was still very loud.

"Sorry, I'll see what I can do for you," Dr. Phrosenberg began.

She went over to her mini fridge, and got some ice out of the ice tray and put it in a Baggie. She bought the Baggie with her own money, because that wasn't allotted by the school budget.

"Here," Dr. Phrosenberg said, "Put this on your forehead while I look for my thermometer, that way it won't hurt anymore."

Todd put the bag of ice against his forehead. Dr. Phrosenberg walked over to the cabinets, and looked around for a second. It was more of an issue of remembering what cabinet she put it in than finding it around the other things in the cabinets. There wasn't anything else in the cabinets, because that wasn't in her budget.

"Oh, silly me!" said Dr. Phrosenberg. "I left it right here!" She picked up the thermometer off her desk. It was a very nice thermometer, it was able to scan someone's forehead and figure out their temperature very quickly. That's why it costed sixty dollars.

Todd removed the bag of ice from his forehead so Dr. Phrosenberg could check his temperature. She placed the thermometer against his head for about three seconds, and read the result.

"Ninety-eight point six degrees. It seems you are perfectly healthy," said Dr. Phrosenberg.

Todd scratched his head.

"Maybe you're not getting enough sleep," said Dr. Phrosenberg. "A lot of sleep is necessary for a healthy mind. Here, take a mint, maybe your throat will feel less sore."

Todd took a mint from the jar on Dr. Phrosenberg's desk. She also bought the mints with her own money. Todd proceeded to walk back upstairs to Mrs. Jewls's class, but he was still feeling awful.

"How was your trip to the nurse's office?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

Todd groaned.

"Will your parents be coming to pick you up?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

"No," started Todd, "Dr. Phrosenberg checked my temperature and said I was feeling fine."

"Well that's good," Mrs. Jewls started, "That means you can stay for the rest of class. Now please return to your seat."

Todd slogged back to his seat. He didn't want to miss class, but at the same time, he felt too dismal to participate. Nonetheless, he listened to Mrs. Jewls's lesson plan. Mrs. Jewls told him it was always important to listen.

"Class, we are going to split up into groups of four for a project about personal hygiene. Every group will pick a different topic, and hold a presentation about it tomorrow," Mrs. Jewls explained. "Any questions?"

Kathy raised her hand.

"What if I don't want to work with anybody?" Kathy asked.

"That's fine, as long as you complete the assignment," Mrs. Jewls said.

Everyone got into a group of four, except for Kathy, who worked alone. Todd was in a group with Jason, Deedee, Ron, and Diana. Diana had to join a group of four, because she was still lost.

"Where are we?" asked Diana.

"Hold on, let me check," said Deedee. She flipped through the pages of her health book. "Page ninety-four. We're going to do a lesson on why it's important to wash our hands. Anyone need a refresher?"

"I remember you're always supposed your wash your hands after using the restroom," said Jason.

"And whenever you eat or prepare a meal," said Ron.

"Doesn't it keep out the harmful germs that can-" started Diana, but she was interrupted by Todd coughing into his hand.

"It's so unfair!" started Jason. "Todd is lucky. I wish I was sick so I wouldn't have to come to school today."

"But I feel miserable," said Todd, "and I still had to come to school."

"We need to stay focused," said Deedee, "The presentation is tomorrow, and we're going to have to work hard if we want to get a good grade."

But Todd wasn't sure if he could focus or work hard. He wasn't sure if he could do anything. Maybe Dr. Phrosenberg was right, maybe he just needed to get more sleep. Todd could hardly even think of any downsides, if he could think of anything at all. His brain felt like cooked spaghetti. He laid back in his chair and crashed for about three hours. When he woke up, the bell for dismissal had rung, and the project was finished.

"What just happened?" asked Todd.

"Oh, good, you're alive," said Jason.

"We finished the project while you were asleep," Deedee explained.

"But I didn't even get to contribute anything!" said Todd.

"Don't worry, we already have that figured out," said Deedee, "Just remember to show up to class tomorrow."

Stephen had already turned off the lights by the time Deedee, Jason, Ron, and Diana walked out the door. Todd and Mrs. Jewls were the only people left in the classroom.

"Todd, you did an excellent job in class today. I hope you learned an awful lot during that three hour nap," Mrs. Jewls said. "Treat yourself to a Tootsie Roll Pop from the coffee can on my desk. You deserve it for all your hard work."

Mrs. Jewls put on her coat and left the classroom.

Todd scratched his head. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. He was able to get out of doing a project, Mrs. Jewls gave him a Tootsie Roll Pop, and he made it through a whole day without being sent home early. But he spent the whole day miserable, and he didn't even get to see what happened from twelve to two.

The next day, Todd showed up to class again. He still felt awful, it's not like sickness just goes away in a day, but his group needed him for the presentation.

"Remember! It is very important to remember to wash your hands!" reminded Deedee.

"Whenever you finish using the restroom!" exclaimed Jason.

"Or when you're eating or preparing a meal!" said Ron

"It gets rid of all the harmful germs that can make you end up like Todd," stated Diana.

Todd coughed very loudly. He tried blocking it with his hand, when it suddenly dawned upon him.

"Oh, now I get it!" said Todd.


	7. Show Your Work

"Dameon, could you help hand back everyone's math homework?" Mrs. Jewls asked.

"Alright, Mrs. Jewls!" said Dameon.

Dameon got out of his chair and grabbed the math sheets and passed them back to every student in Mrs. Jewls's class.

Joe was an excellent mathematician. He could solve any problem in his head just by looking at it. Even long division only took about thirty seconds to Joe. Of course, short and medium division were still a little easier.

Dameon wove his way through the classroom, starting at the front and moving back. Joe was going to be one of the last students to get back his homework. He sat at the back of the room, between Terrence and John.

Joe had no idea he was such a good mathematician. In fact, he had no idea he was good at anything. He was also an excellent artist, sock-knitter, and shoe-tier. But this story isn't about any of those.

Dameon passed a worksheet back to Paul, then Eric Fry, then Terrence, then Joe. Joe looked at the math sheet. Joe got fifty percent.

Joe looked back at the problems, and double-checked the answers, just to make sure they were all right. Then he triple-checked, to check that his double-check had checked right. None of the answers were wrong. He wanted to double-check that Mrs. Jewls was right. Joe raised his hand.

"Yes, Joe?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

"Why did I only get fifty percent on my homework? I got all the answers right," said Joe.

"Let me see," said Mrs. Jewls.

Mrs. Jewls walked to the back of the class and double-checked Joe's triple-checked homework. She got out a red pen and circled three words in the instructions.

" **Show your work."**

"It's important to show your work," Mrs. Jewls explained, "Or else no one can tell where you messed up."

"But Mrs. Jewls, I didn't mess up, all the answers are right," Joe said.

Mrs. Jewls triple-checked Joe's triple-checked homework. It was probably quintuple or sextuple-checked by now, depending on how you define one "check."

He was right about the answers being right.

"That's good to hear," Mrs. Jewls started, "But how did you get the right answers?"

Joe shrugged his shoulders. "I just thought about it for a second, and then I knew the answer. What else would the answers be?"

Mrs. Jewls knew Joe couldn't pull answers out of thin air. She thought for a moment, then got an idea.

"Well if you can't explain it to me, then maybe you can explain it to someone else. Sue has been struggling with math lately. Try to help her with her math homework, but don't give her the answers," explained Mrs. Jewls. "If you can succeed, I will give both of you a Tootsie Roll Pop."

Mrs. Jewls had Sue turn around. She sat in front of Joe. Sue had recently transferred from another school, but math was taught differently at Wayside, and she didn't understand it. Actually, just about everything was taught differently, but Sue could catch on to most of that other stuff. It was really just math.

"So you need help with your math homework?" asked Joe.

Sue nodded her head.

Joe looked at the first problem. "7 x 7 ="

Joe knew the answer was forty-nine. He could tell just by looking at it. He just couldn't say it, or else he wasn't showing his work. Sue could probably also understand it if she tried, but she needed more number blocks for that. If she could see numbers as objects, she could understand them much more easily.

But numbers aren't objects, they're concepts. Try to imagine what it means for something to be forty-nine. It may seem simple enough, but try to imagine forty-nine objects, then cutting all forty-nine of those objects in half. Do you have twice as many objects? Or do you have the same number of objects cut in half? What even defines an "object?" What if we added six more digits between one and ten? Then would a forty-nine be a thirty-one? Or would it be a seventy-three? Would forty-nine under any other name still be forty-nine?

Now that you're confused, hopefully you can understand why Sue couldn't multiply sevens.

Joe tried imagine why seven multiplied by seven would be forty-nine. He tried imagining the number seven. Then he tried imagining seven sevens. How many ones would that be? Forty-nine, if there were seven ones in a seven. But what is a one? And how many ones exactly defines a seven?

And he was now wondering what else the answers could be. Perhaps every answer he got was right with how we know how to do math, but what if we got rid of the number eight? Then all the answers would be something else.

Joe was getting lost now, which is good, because you might be too.

Sue was still waiting for Joe. "So, are you going to help?" she asked.

"I think _I'm_ going to need help," said Joe.

Joe picked back up his math homework. How did I get these answers, he thought, what made these forty-nines and sixty-twos and eighty-ones? Numbers didn't make sense anymore, nothing did.

Joe just felt as if he suffered the biggest setback in his life. Earlier that year, he couldn't add or count, but then he figured that out and became the best mathematician in Mrs. Jewls's class.

But now, he didn't even know what a seven was. So he asked Mrs. Jewls.

"What's a seven?" asked Joe.

"It's a whole number between six and eight," explained Mrs. Jewls.

"But what are six and eight?" asked Joe.

This continued for a while. Mrs. Jewls tried to explain each number with other numbers, but Joe didn't know what numbers were anymore.

Eventually the bell rang at two, depending on how you define two, and Joe went home. He looked at his math homework all night long, trying to figure out how to do math. Nothing made sense, it was pointless.

Then it hit him faster than a freight train. Joe flipped his sheet over and got to writing, writing anything and everything that came to his mind. The next day, Joe turned in his work sheet. Nothing else was added to the front, but on the back, Joe had written a few sentences. After thinking for so long, Joe was ready to show his work.

 _Seven multiplied by seven is forty-nine, because we thought about ideas and one of those ideas was seven, and ideally, seven sevens would be forty-nine ones. Numbers are concepts you can't think of too much, or else your brain will hurt like mine did. This is true for every number. If you can understand numbers, however, then you can figure out any problem. This is how I did my work._

Mrs. Jewls had absolutely no clue what Joe had written. Joe didn't have a clue either, but he understood it kind of.

"Maybe it'll just be easier if you don't have to show your work anymore," Mrs. Jewls told Joe.

Joe was fine with that. He didn't like thinking about sevens and forty-nines too much. Now that he didn't ever have to show his work ever again, he decided to tell Sue the answer.

"It's forty-nine," Joe explained.

Sue wrote a forty-nine on the paper. "Oh, now I get it!" said Sue.

"You do?" asked Joe.

Sue nodded her head.

Joe shrugged his shoulders and got back to work. Maybe some people just understood what numbers were better than he ever could.


	8. Studying

Maurecia sat down on the grass in the schoolyard. Most of the other students were screaming and fighting and playing during lunch, but Maurecia was studying. The WAT Test was still two months away, but she was hoping to do as well as she could. She carried all of her textbooks in her bookbag, and got to reading. She was going to have to read an awful lot if she was going to know everything there was to know.

Joy was not sitting in the grass of the schoolyard. She was screaming and fighting and playing during lunch. The WAT Test was still two months away, so there was probably plenty of time to learn everything there was to know. Two months can be a long time.

It might not seem like it, but Joy and Maurecia were best friends. Sometimes, best friends can be very different people. But the truth is, the only reason they became friends to begin with is because back in kindergarten, they liked the fact that they both wore their hair in ponytails. They were the only students they knew that wore their hair that way. Leslie wore her hair in pigtails.

Joy ran over to Maurecia.

"Hey, Maurecia! What are you doing?" asked Joy.

"I'm studying," said Maurecia.

"What for?" asked Joy.

"The WAT Test," explained Maurecia.

"Pfffft, you don't need to study for that," said Joy, "It's still two months away. C'mon, get up, we're about to play kickball and we could use an extra player!"

Maurecia stared at her book and turned the page. She didn't want to ignore her best friend, but she needed to focus on studying.

"Come on, Maurecia, I'm bored," said Joy.

"Couldn't you play with Sue or Jenny or Todd?" asked Maurecia.

"No, because none of them are my best friend," explained Joy.

Maurecia was still focused on her textbooks.

Joy was desperate to get Maurecia's attention. She couldn't take the unspeakable boredom of not playing with Maurecia. She would do anything to take Maurecia's attention off the textbooks.

"Maurecia! The school is on fire," Joy shouted.

Maurecia looked back at Wayside School. It wasn't on fire. She looked back to her textbook and got back to studying.

"Maurecia! A tornado is coming!" Joy screamed.

Maurecia looked off into the distance. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. She continued studying.

"Maurecia! There's an earthquake!" Joy exclaimed.

Maurecia was getting tired of Joy. "Joy, why are you bothering me?"

"Because I want to play," said Joy.

"Why would we be playing if there was a fire, tornado, or earthquake?" Maurecia asked.

Joy shrugged her shoulders.

Maurecia decided that the playground wasn't the right place to study. It was too noisy, and Joy wouldn't stop bugging her. Maurecia walked inside, and moved upstairs to the library on the seventh story.

The library was a good place to study. It was very, very quiet, and there were lots of books. Maurecia figured that if she ran out of her textbooks, the library books would be the next best place to study. She could learn a lot from the reference section. She considered memorizing the entire dictionary, just in case there would be a vocab section on the WAT Test. If she knew every word, that part would be easy.

Maurecia sat at a table and got to reading. She didn't understand anything in her math textbook, but she figured it would come to her at some point.

Joy walked inside and walked upstairs to the library. She hid her face behind a book, so Maurecia wouldn't see her. She sat down at a nearby seat. She slowly moved closer to Maurecia, until she was right next to her. She got out a pencil, and tapped Maurecia on the shoulder.

Maurecia turned around and saw Joy. She didn't want to be bothered, so she moved down one seat. Joy moved down one seat also.

Maurecia moved down another seat. Joy followed.

Maurecia moved down again, and so did Joy.

Maurecia tried to move again, but she fell right onto the floor.

Joy looked down at Maurecia. "So, do you want to play?" she asked.

Maurecia looked back at her with frustration.

The bell rang and Maurecia and Joy headed back to class. On the stairs, Joy tried to talk to Maurecia.

"Gee, Maurecia, when did you get so boring?" asked Joy.

"You heard Terrence! If we fail the WAT Test, then we'll get held back, and our parents will get angry, and we'll have to study all summer!" Maurecia said.

"You're studying now to avoid studying?" asked Joy.

Maurecia shrugged her shoulders. "I guess," she admitted.

"Well gee, that's no fun. Come on! When school's out today, we should go to the ice cream parlor, and you can get us free ice cream! Then we can play video games and watch movies and relax until at least March," Joy explained.

Maurecia still wasn't sure. She was worried that if she got too distracted, she'd forget to study anyway.

"I'll think about it," said Maurecia.

When Maurecia got home that afternoon, she decided she was going to study again. She went to her room, turned on her lamp, and got out her textbook to read.

But downstairs, Maurecia's stepfather was working at his guitar shop. He had a client over, who needed help with his guitar.

"Are you sure this guitar is in tune?" asked the client.

"I'm not sure, let me check," said Maurecia's stepfather.

Maurecia's stepdad tried playing the guitar, and it was out of tune. It was tough to listen to, but if Maurecia covered her ears, she could block off the noise. She reached over her head with one arm so it would cover both her ears. She needed her other arm to turn the page.

Maurecia's stepdad tried to tune the guitar. He tried strumming it again to see if it sounded right.

"Hmmm, something sounds off, but I can't quite tell what it is," the client said.

"I agree. I'll plug it into the amp, maybe if it's louder, we can hear what's wrong a little better," Maurecia's stepfather said.

Maurecia's stepfather plugged the guitar into the amp and tried playing it again. It was just slightly out of tune, but Maurecia couldn't block the noise this time. It might've been worse than when it was completely out of tune, actually. Nothing is worse than a song played just slightly wrong.

At about the same time, Maurecia's twin brothers just got back from a junior soccer game. They won first prize, and were extremely excited. They were shouting as loud as they could, "Wayside Platyphornepus! Wayside Platyphornepus!"

They didn't like the mascot very much, but they loved the school, and that's what really mattered to them.

Also at about the same time, Maurecia's mother was trying to calm down Maurecia's younger sister, who was only in kindergarten. Her favorite doll broke, and she was very upset. She was crying very loudly, and no matter what Maurecia's mom did to help, she only ended up crying even louder.

Also also at about the same time, Maurecia heard a buzz at the front door. Joy had come over to see if Maurecia wanted to play.

Maurecia tried to block out the noise to the best of her ability, but it was hopeless. There was so much discord all at once, she couldn't focus on studying even if she tried as hard as she could. She walked over to the door.

"So are you finally going to play?" asked Joy.

Joy and Maurecia walked down to Mr. Finch's Ice Cream Parlor. Mr. Finch was a kind old man with white hair and a long white beard. Once he lost his life savings, and worried he could never open an ice cream parlor, but Maurecia helped find them, so Maurecia was allowed to get free ice cream there for the rest of her life. Mr. Finch had even promised that Maurecia would own the ice cream parlor whenever he passed on.

But Mr. Finch was still passing off, so it was his ice cream parlor for the time being.

"And what would you like today, kind lady?" asked Mr. Finch.

"I'd like one cone of chocolate ice cream, and one cone of caramel," said Maurecia.

"Alright! You hang on there! Two cones, coming right up!" said Mr. Finch.

Mr. Finch always gave the biggest cones in town. It was his dream to own an ice cream parlor, and he figured he should spend his dream making everyone else as happy as it made him.

Mr. Finch gave Maurecia the two ice cream cones and she headed back to a table with Joy. She handed Joy the caramel cone, and got out a textbook. Maurecia got back to studying.

"Are you serious?" asked Joy.

"What?" asked Maurecia, "It's quiet here, and it's a beautiful day outside. It's the perfect environment for studying."

"Gee, Maurecia, I thought we were going to have fun tonight, but I guess I was wrong," said Joy. "I'm heading home. Catch me again when you stop being boring."

Joy grabbed her caramel ice cream cone and stormed away.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school!" Maurecia shouted back.

After finishing her chocolate cone, Maurecia walked home. Her stepdad fixed the guitar, so the music it was producing was now far more pleasing to the ears. Her brothers got so exhausted from the soccer match that they crashed on the couch, and her sister was put to sleep while her mother went out to buy a new doll. Maurecia felt calm. She opened up her textbook, and studied as hard as she could. After a couple hours, she understood the work, closed the book, and went to sleep. She wanted to make sure she had plenty of rest by the next day.

At nine o'clock, Maurecia arrived in Mrs. Jewls's class. She took her seat next to Todd. She looked back, and saw Joy panicked.

"Maurecia, I need your help!" Joy shouted. "Mrs. Jewls said we'd be reviewing for the quiz today, and I have no clue about any of the material. Could I have your notes? I promise I won't call you boring again!"

Maurecia wasn't sure. Joy was constantly bothering her yesterday, but she was still her best friend.

"Okay, just leave me alone today at recess," Maurecia said.

"Alright!" Joy said, taking Maurecia's notes from her desk without asking, "You're the greatest! And not boring at all! I promise!"

Later that day at recess, Maurecia was sitting in the grass, studying. She did well on the review earlier, and so did Joy, but that was because Joy had her notes. However, Maurecia wanted to be completely safe, just in case there would be another soon. Joy ran up to her.

"Maurecia!" shouted Joy. "You won't believe what Terrence just did!"

Maurecia looked at Joy for a second, and Joy looked back.

"...Which I will tell you about later! Good luck with the studying thing! I'm going to go play more!" Joy shouted. Joy ran away, as Maurecia kept looking at her textbook. Maurecia realized she already knew most of the stuff she was reading, she spent all of last night studying the material anyway.

"Wait for me!" shouted Maurecia, as she ran after. She didn't want to miss what Joy was talking about.


	9. Counseling

Dr. Pickell was the counselor at Wayside School.

I say "was," because he was finally caught.

Dr. Pickell was a man with big scary eyebrows and a little beard at the tip of his pointed chin. He wore glasses around his deep, penetrating eyes. Everyone was scared of him, but the truth was he was mostly a good counselor.

I say "mostly," because he always liked to play mean tricks on his patients. Most of them were harmless, only a little annoying at the worst, but that doesn't mean people wouldn't catch on.

Case in point was Leslie. She had never been to the counselor's office, but her friend Paul had. He used to pull her pigtails all the time, but after seeing Dr. Pickell, he didn't do that anymore. He just thought her pigtails were a pair of rattlesnakes.

What he started doing after going to Dr. Pickell's office was licking her ears whenever she said "pencil."

Leslie hated when Paul did that. However, she wasn't sure why he did. So she decided she was going to figure it all out.

Leslie was a very clever girl, so she started looking around for clues about why he'd start licking her ears instead of pulling her pigtails. Not to say Leslie wanted Paul to pull her pigtails, either, she just wished he'd cut with most of that weird behavior. Otherwise, she thought he was a pretty nice kid.

She was able to figure out the shift was around the time Paul went to the counselor's office, so she looked for people who knew Dr. Pickell or his patients. Eventually, she discovered several people, all of who had been to Dr. Pickell's office in the past, that all showed strange behaviors under very specific circumstances.

Needless to say, the faculty of Wayside School wasn't happy to find out what Dr. Pickell had been doing for the past few years. He tried to defend himself at first, but eventually he gave in and fessed up. Dr. Pickell was soon fired from being Wayside School's counselor. He knew sometime, he was going to have to find a new line of work.

Mr. Kidswatter needed to hire a new counselor, and fast. A bunch of kids were stressed out for some reason, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Some kids attempted to go to Dr. Phrosenberg's office, but as the school nurse, she knew more about physical health than mental health. While putting ice over a scratch can numb that pain, you can't put ice on a kid's head to numb crippling anxiety. She tried that.

Other kids went to Mr. Kidswatter. If you're wondering how well that worked out, I want you to look at his name again, and think for about two seconds.

Clearly, there was a need for another solution. Someone who knew everyone else better than everyone else, or at least someone who would be able to.

Wendy Nogard had three ears. The first two heard sounds, as most ears do, but the third ear heard thoughts.

Well, it did if you're counting the ears in the right order. You have to save the ear on top of her head for last. Most people didn't know about that ear. It was covered by her thick, frizzy brown hair.

Being able to hear thoughts is a very dangerous thing. People usually keep their biggest secrets in there, or their biggest fears, all the kind of stuff no one wants anyone else to hear. Being able to know about that sort of stuff can make it very easy to ruin someone else's day.

Miss Nogard used to do that, but after hearing the thoughts of an infant, thoughts of pure love and trust that don't need words to convey, something about her had changed. She realized that there was still good in the world, and there was no point in taking that away from others.

The good thing about being able to hear someone else's thoughts is that you hear all the nice stuff too. You learn what makes people happy, and what you can do to cheer them up at any moment.

She loved children the most. Every time she passed an upset student, she did whatever she could to make them feel a bit better. It warmed her heart when later, she'd visit the playground, and she could hear them laughing and having fun.

So she continued her job as a substitute teacher. She was still a substitute before the change of heart, but she only really got invested in the job afterwards.

Usually, when looking for a new counselor, you'd be looking for someone who had a lot of experience before, maybe a degree in psychiatry or something. But Wayside School was strapped for time and money, so they had to find the next best person for the job.

Everyone noticed kids seemed happier when they were with Miss Nogard, and everyone noticed Miss Nogard was happier around kids, especially those at Wayside School.

She substituted at Wayside more than anywhere else, partially because she loved the kids, and partially because she loved Louis, the Yard Teacher. Wendy and Louis had their first date scheduled for next week.

No one knew Miss Nogard could hear thoughts, though, not even Louis! Louis knew about the ear, still. He just didn't know what it was for. Probably hearing sounds. That's what most ears are for.

Miss Nogard had showed up to Wayside School when she heard Mr. Kidswatter's voice crackle over the P.A.

"Miss Nogard, could you please report to the principal's office?" Mr. Kidswatter said.

Miss Nogard walked into the office.

"What do you need me for?" she asked.

"We have a problem," began Mr. Kidswatter, "Our school counselor has been fired, and we're looking for a replacement."

"Well, I wish you luck in finding a new one," said Miss Nogard.

Mr. Kidswatter lowered his sunglasses. "The new counselor we're looking at is you, Miss Nogard. I've heard from a few people that you're good with kids," he explained.

"Who would those people be?" asked Miss Nogard.

"The kids that have been bothering me as of late," Mr. Kidswatter said. "They've all been stressed for some reason, and some of them have been coming to me. And I. Am. Sick of it. If you could take them off my hands, that's all I'd be asking for."

Miss Nogard was fine with taking all the kids off Mr. Kidswatter's hands. Maybe not all at once, that may be difficult, but nonetheless.

Miss Nogard accepted the offer, and took the counselor's office on the fourth floor. It was a very tidy place, with a desk for her to sit behind, and a couch for students to sit on. There as a lamp by the couch, and a small box of toys in case the students needed to fidget with something while talking to her. It could be difficult to talk to a counselor, sometimes certain thoughts are too tough to put into words.

Fortunately, with Miss Nogard, it wouldn't be quite as difficult.

Miss Nogard sat behind her desk, and waited for a student to walk inside. If Mr. Kidswatter was right about anything, she should be very busy.

A boy with a red and blue diamond-patterned vest walked inside. He was sent there for licking a girl's ear. It was embarrassing, but he couldn't help it. Actually, he couldn't even remember it! However, everyone else told him they saw it, and he felt the taste on his tongue, so chances are it happened. He wasn't sure why, though. He took a seat on the couch, and grabbed a doll from the toy bin. He fidgeted with its hair a little bit.

"It's nice to see you, Paul," said Miss Nogard.

"Nice to see you too, Miss Nogard!" said Paul.

Miss Nogard recognized Paul from when she was substituting his class.

"I hear you're here for licking Leslie's ear, no?" said Miss Nogard.

"How did you know that?" asked Paul.

"Oh, you see, Mrs. Jewls told me," explained Miss Nogard.

Mrs. Jewls didn't tell Miss Nogard anything, but her goal was to make Paul feel better and help with his problems. Paul probably wouldn't feel so good if he figured out Miss Nogard was reading his mind.

"I don't get it," said Paul, "I don't even want to lick Leslie's ears. They taste terrible. But for some reason, it happens pretty often."

Miss Nogard listened to Paul's mind. She tried to see if she could hear any part of it remembering what he had done, but she couldn't. She could only hear the taste.

"Maybe if you and I can think about when this happened, we can go back and stop this problem," Miss Nogard said. "I want you to think about the first time Leslie got mad at you for licking your ears."

Paul tried to think for a moment. He typically wasn't very attentive, so it took awhile to remember just when it happened, but eventually, he almost came upon it. It was at the tip of his head, he just needed a moment.

Miss Nogard listened to the tip of his head to speed it up. "So it was during the gravity experiment? The one with the lightbulb, the coffeepot, the potatoes, and the pencil sharpener?" she asked.

"How did you know that?" Paul asked.

Miss Nogard shrugged her shoulders.

"Yeah, I think I remember it happening back then," Paul said. He could almost taste Leslie's ears on his tongue, but it might've just been because he tasted them earlier that day.

Miss Nogard needed another witness to get to the bottom of this, so she called on Leslie.

Leslie entered the room and took a seat on the couch next to Paul.

"Leslie, I hear Paul has been licking your ears a lot lately. We're trying to figure out why he's been doing it, and how we can get him to stop," Miss Nogard said.

"Well you've brought the right person, because I've spent a lot of time investigating this. I think the old counselor made him do that, and it seems to be whenever I say the word 'pencil,'" Leslie explained.

Paul licked her ear.

"You see? He did it again!" Leslie shouted.

"Did what?" Paul asked. He felt the taste in his mouth again. "Ah, that."

"Okay, Paul, I want you to remember the time you went to the old counselor's office. Just tell me everything you remember happening that day," Miss Nogard said.

This moment stood out pretty well in Paul's head. Since it was the only other time he'd been to the counselor's office, it didn't really blend with the rest of his thoughts. He remembered it very distinctly.

"Well, I was sent to the counselor's office for pulling Leslie's pigtail, and he had me look at a swaying pickle. Then I fell asleep, then I woke up and went back to class," Paul stated. "I don't know what changed. He didn't give me any instructions," Paul admitted.

Miss Nogard looked deep into Paul's mind to figure out what happened when he was asleep. It was buried pretty deep down, so she had trouble finding it, but think of it like a song you've listened to a million times before. As long as you listen hard enough, you may be able to find some small background instrument that went completely unnoticed the other million times you've listened, and after hearing it you never listen to the song the same way ever again.

Deep down in Paul's mind, Miss Nogard heard that little background instrument. A droning voice tucked deep down where Paul couldn't remember it if he wanted to.

"...You will wake up….. You will want to pull one of her pigtails….. It will turn into a rattlesnake…..When Leslie says the word 'pencil,' her ears will turn into candy…"

Miss Nogard wasn't able to pick up all of it, but she got enough to figure out what she had to do.

"Paul, this might sound strange, but you are going to have to pull Leslie's pigtail," Miss Nogard said.

"What?!" Leslie shouted.

"Leslie still has pigtails? I thought she tied snakes to the back of her head in some weird fashion statement," Paul said.

"How is this supposed to fix anything?" Leslie asked.

"Well, you don't want Paul licking your ears, right?" Miss Nogard said.

"I don't want him pulling my pigtails either!" Leslie exclaimed.

"Don't worry, we can also fix that soon, right Paul?" Miss Nogard asked.

Paul shrugged his shoulders.

"Please, Miss Nogard, is there any other way we can do this?" Leslie asked. "Anything at all?"

Miss Nogard thought long and hard about it. Paul was going to have to pull one of Leslie's pigtails to break Dr. Pickell's trance, but she didn't want Leslie to get hurt either. She had to figure out a way for Paul to pull Leslie's pigtails without it being on her head.

Eventually she had an idea. She wasn't sure if Leslie would be happy with it, though.

"The only thing I can think of is cutting off one of your pigtails and giving it to Paul," Miss Nogard said. She didn't want Leslie to be unhappy, but she couldn't think of a better way out of the situation.

Obviously, Leslie wasn't pleased. "What?!" she shouted a second time. "I've been growing these out for years!"

Leslie's pigtails reached all the way down to her waist. She had some of the longest hair in Wayside School, so much that no one was even sure if her hair could get much longer. She could still grow out the other pigtail again, but by the time they were even, she'd probably be in high school.

Leslie had to think through her decision. She was worried about losing her pigtail, because then her hair would be asymmetrical for a very long time, and she was worried Sharie wouldn't think she's pretty anymore.

But if she kept the pigtail, then Paul would have to pull it, which would hurt a lot, and then after Dr. Pickell's curse was broken, he'd probably go back to pulling her pigtails twice a day, every day for the rest of the year. He wanted to be fair, so he always pulled the one on the left, then the one on the right. If Paul had one of her pigtails to himself, he could pull that whenever he got the urge to pull her pigtail instead.

Paul was scared to handle Leslie's pigtail. He wasn't good at handling objects he thought were rattlesnakes. He threw it up into the air, grabbed one end, and yanked. It felt good, especially after he realized it was actually just a pigtail all along and not a snake.

Leslie didn't scream when Paul yanked her pigtail, mostly because it wasn't attached to her anymore.

Paul looked at the pigtail in his hand. "Do you want me to tie this back to your head?" he asked.

"No, you can keep it," Leslie said. Paul could tell she wasn't very happy.

Miss Nogard felt as if she had made a very bad mistake. Her goal as a counselor was to make people feel better, and while Paul was probably pretty happy to have one of Leslie's pigtails to himself, Leslie wasn't feeling very good at all.

Leslie walked up the stairs slowly. She didn't want to head back to class, but she knew Mrs. Jewls needed her. A couple students passed her as she walked upstairs, but she turned her head away. She didn't want anyone to see her.

Of course, that didn't mean no one did.

"Hey Leslie!" shouted Kathy. "I see you're looking as terrible as usual."

"Only as much as usual?" Leslie asked.

Kathy looked at her for a good moment. "Yeah. It's not like you can look much worse."

Leslie wasn't sure if she should take that as an insult or a compliment.

Eventually, Leslie made it back to class.

"Ah, Leslie, we've been looking for you!" Mrs. Jewls said. "Miss Nogard needs you. She's in the office on the fourth floor."

Leslie sighed and turned around. She walked all the way back down to Miss Nogard's office.

When she opened the door, Miss Nogard was throwing a small party for her. Sharie and Paul were also there.

"Surprise!" Sharie shouted. She was hoping Leslie would appreciate it. Of course, Leslie appreciated just about everything Sharie did.

"I'm so sorry about what happened earlier," Miss Nogard said, "I was just trying to help Paul, but I didn't know what else to do."

"I suggested we could throw a party," Paul said, "That way, you wouldn't feel so bad. I hope everything will be alright."

Leslie was flattered, but she was worried that she'd need to be somewhere else.

"This is nice and all, but I need to catch up on my work," Leslie said.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Jewls says you're exempt from the rest of your work today," Miss Nogard explained. "Right now the party is mostly just getting to skip class, hang out with friends, and feel good, but if you want I can bake you a chocolate cake or something!"

Leslie perked up at the notion. "That would be great! Chocolate cakes are my favorite! How did you know that?"

"Oh, just a wild guess. Most people like chocolate," Miss Nogard explained. Part of Leslie really wanted a chocolate cake. No party felt complete to her without it.

Leslie was happy to see everyone was looking out for her. But Miss Nogard wasn't quite done yet.

"And one more thing!" Miss Nogard said. She cut off the bit of hair blocking her third ear. "There. I know it doesn't solve everything, but I figure if both of us are struggling together, everything will be alright."

"Can I also cut off a lock of my hair?" asked Sharie.

"No, that won't be necessary," Leslie laughed.

"Awww, no fair, I was hoping we could match," Sharie said. She laughed as she gave Leslie a big hug. Sharie loved cheering up Leslie whenever she could. Actually, Sharie just loved Leslie. But you probably already knew that much.

"Do you want your pigtail back?" asked Paul.

"You can still keep it, as long as you promise not to pull the one on my head," Leslie said.

"Deal," said Paul. He grabbed his own pigtail and yanked. It felt great.

Miss Nogard wasn't able to solve everything. When there are so many problems, solving all of them perfectly is no easy task. However, as a counselor, her job was to help people feel better, and when she listened one last time to all the thoughts in the room, she was glad to hear that she was doing her job just fine.


	10. Tattletale

The last tale was a tale about pigtails. This tale is a tale about tattletales.

If you can say that five times fast, I congratulate you.

Specifically Jason. Every time a student was misbehaving in Mrs. Jewls's class, he would be quick to point it out. He always wanted to impress Mrs. Jewls. She was one of the nicest teachers he ever had.

Actually, she might've been the only nice teacher he ever had, substitutes notwithstanding.

"Mrs. Jewls! Joy is cheating off of Maurecia's notes!" Jason shouted. He had the second biggest mouth in class.

"Joy, I'm ashamed at you. You need to pay better attention in class and write your own," Mrs. Jewls said. "Now go write your name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE."

Joy was frustrated at Jason. He was the only thing getting in the way of her getting away with everything. He was always shouting things like

"Mrs. Jewls! Joy is chewing gum in class!" or

"Mrs. Jewls! Joy is trying to mess with Todd again!" or

"Mrs. Jewls! Joy is being insufferable!"

On the way to the playground for recess, Joy caught Jason on the stairs.

"Hey Jason!" Joy shouted. She had the biggest mouth in class. "You better be careful being such a tattletale!"

"Huh?" Jason asked. "I was only trying to help Mrs. Jewls!"

"Well you know what they say! Snitches get stitches!" Joy said. She skipped down the stairs.

You weren't supposed to jump down the stairs at Wayside School. There were signs plastered on every floor. But what if Joy was right? What if snitches _do_ get stitches? He wasn't sure what the correlation between him calling out Joy for bad behavior and him getting stitched up would be, but he wasn't willing to take any risks.

Jason walked down the stairs without another word, and got to the playground. He figured he'd look for his best friend Stephen, so they could enjoy spending time together. However, Stephen looked a bit busy getting harassed by Terrence.

"Come on, give me my ball back!" Stephen shouted.

"Go to the moon, ya' dumb loon," Terrence said. He held the ball high above his head. Stephen was a little on the short side, so he had trouble reaching it. Eric Bacon walked over to help him out.

"Hey! You give Stephen his ball back, or else you'll have to face my fury!" Eric Bacon shouted.

"Kick a can, Tin Man," responded Terrence.

Eric Bacon tried to reach for the ball, but he was even shorter than Stephen. He was also pretty scrawny, so his fury wouldn't be very furious.

Eric Ovens saw Terrence bullying one of his best friends, and tried to help out. "Terrence! Why are you being so mean to my friends?" he shouted.

"Step on a tack, knick-knack," Terrence said.

Eric Ovens also tried to reach for the ball, but he was even shorter than Eric Bacon, even if not nearly as skinny.

Jason saw Louis across the playground. He was busy managing a game of kickball, so he didn't see what was going on with Terrence. Most of the tallest kids in class were busy playing kickball, so they couldn't help either. Jason tried shouting, "Hey Louis!"

Louis turned his head towards Jason. "What is it Jason?" he asked.

Jason was about to tell Louis about what was happening, when he remembered what Joy had said. He wasn't willing to take any risks. "I hope you're having a nice day today!" Jason said.

"That's very sweet of you, Jason," Louis said. "I hope you take care as well."

Jason looked back at Terrence, Stephen, and two of the Three Erics as he turned around and walked inside. Terrence had knocked Stephen down and kicked his ball over the fence. Jason wanted to help out, but he didn't know what he could do. He was too scared.

He walked upstairs to the classroom on the thirtieth story. He stuck his head out the window, where he could see everything that was going on below him.

On the playground, he saw Myron feeding the birds. Jason thought that such a peaceful sight would help him take his mind off of the troubles he had seen earlier.

Myron was a good kid, and he tried to toss out all the crumbs equally. He didn't want to see any birds getting too few. It was nice to see someone so well-behaved.

However, Kathy was not a good kid, and she was hiding in the tree right behind Myron, with a slingshot and some sharp pencils.

Jason wanted to tell Myron to look out, but he wasn't sure what would happen if he tried, so he kept his mouth shut.

Kathy launched a pencil at Myron's back, causing him to flail around in pain. All the birds were scared, and ended up flying away. Jason decided he shouldn't look over there, so he moved his eyes to another part of town. Wayside School was higher than any other building in town, so he had lots of places to look.

He looked towards a street downtown, a couple blocks away from his house. It was very nice to see the entire city below. It really put the world in a new perspective.

Suddenly, two masked men stepped out of one of the buildings, carrying big sacks of cash.

"I thought you said we were going to give up crime!" said one robber to the other.

"Well, how are we supposed to become scientists if we can't afford the equipment?" said the other robber.

The police tried to chase after the robbers, but they were able to hide in a small alley. Jason would be able to call the cops and tell them exactly where the robbers were, but he stayed silent. He was worried what could happen if he were to tell.

Jason tried to look around town, but it was all horrible. He wanted to stop all the bad things that were happening, but he feared the consequences.

Mrs. Jewls walked inside class seeing Jason at the window. "Jason, what are you doing?" she asked.

Jason was startled. He quickly turned around to see Mrs. Jewls, but out of panic, slipped a bit, and fell backwards out the window. He was only hanging on by the back of his knees and the tips of his fingers. Mrs. Jewls stared in horror.

"Joy! You were right! I'm sorry!" Jason shouted, hanging out the window. Joy, who was on the playground, looked up and saw Jason.

"Oh my gosh!" Joy shouted. "What happened?"

"You were right!" Jason cried. "I tried my hardest to stop being a tattletale, but it was already too late! Now I'm going to fall and hit the ground and I'm going to need stitches, just like you said!"

"Or you could die," Kathy interjected.

Jason was ready to accept his fate, when Mrs. Jewls pulled him inside by the legs.

"Jason! What are you doing?" she repeated.

"Looking out the window," Jason explained. "Then you showed up, and I was falling out the window."

Mrs. Jewls needed a moment to collect herself. That was the fourth time that year someone had fallen out that window. She needed to consider keeping it closed more often.

"What just happened?" Mrs. Jewls said.

"I already said! I was looking out the window, then I fell out of it!" Jason explained.

"I know that, but what caused you to look out the window?" Mrs. Jewls demanded.

"I'll tell you, but you should probably close the window first," Jason said.

Mrs. Jewls closed the window.

Jason proceeded to tell Mrs. Jewls everything, about the "snitches get stitches," Terrence on the playground, the bank robbery, and the window thing. Mrs. Jewls already knew that last one, but nonetheless.

Needless to say, Mrs. Jewls wasn't very happy with Joy when she got back to class. It was partially her responsibility for causing Jason to fall out the window.

To be fair, it was also part Mrs. Jewls's responsibility, because she startled Jason when she walked in the room.

Mrs. Jewls had Joy put a strike next to her name for giving Jason bad advice, and made her circle it for skipping down the stairs. She went home on the kindergarten bus at 12:00. Kathy and Terrence also had to write their names on the DISCIPLINE list, because of how they behaved on the playground. The robbers didn't have to, because they weren't part of Mrs. Jewls's class. Mrs. Jewls wrote her own name under the DISCIPLINE list for scaring Jason, but she was good for the rest of the day, and was able to erase it from the board at the end of the day.

"So I won't get any stitches?" said Jason.

"Sure, as long as you stay careful," replied Mrs. Jewls.

The bell rang to dismiss class. Jason stood at the top of the stairs, and looked down. He started down the stairs…

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...And he made it out perfectly okay. He let out a sigh as relief as he walked toward the bus and headed home.


	11. Parent-Teacher Conference

Mr. Kidswatter accidentally scheduled a Parent-Teacher Conference in the middle of the school day. It was meant to start at 6:00 PM, but Kidswatter wrote the 6 upside down and wrote an "A" instead of a "P."

No one is exactly sure how he messed up that bad.

"Should we consider rescheduling this?" asked Mrs. Day.

But it was too late. All the notices had been handed out. Usually about a thousand people were at Wayside School, but with everyone's parents, there were almost twice as many. Any family with two parents and three or more kids was going to experience quite a problem.

Mrs. Jewls's class was more crowded than ever, and it was already a pretty crowded room. There were thirty students on the thirtieth story, and with Mrs. Jewls that made thirty-one people. Then there were thirty parents, who were much taller than most of the kids, and with them, there was hardly any room to breathe. Mrs. Jewls wanted to keep the windows closed, so no one would fall out, but she needed to keep them open for fresh air.

Benjamin Nushmutt was very worried. Back in Hempleton, his mother was always embarrassing him at school events.

In case you're having trouble locating Hempleton on a map, it's the northernmost country on the southwestern edge of the Middle East. Understand? Good.

Benjamin loved his mother very much, she was very kind and sweet and supportive, but what if she was too supportive? What if she spoke for too long and embarrassed him in front of the class? Benjamin never had particularly good self-esteem. Why, he even struggled saying his own name! That being said, "Benjamin Nushmutt" isn't the easiest name to say, either.

Every parent stood next to their student's desk. It was a very claustrophobic room.

Mrs. Nushmutt hadn't gone out to meet too many people since she had moved, but that was because Benjamin didn't have too many friends. Mrs. Nushmutt really wanted to meet Benjamin's friends, and his friends' parents, and his friends' parents' friends, and so on and so forth.

Mrs. Nushmutt was a very social person. She could easily form networks of about forty-seven friends in about fifteen minutes given the opportunity.

And since she was given the opportunity, she was ready to get to conversation right away.

"Hello! Nice to meet you, what would your name be?" asked Mrs. Nushmutt to Todd's father.

"Ryan Howard," said Todd's father. "And you?"

"Sarah Nushmutt, it's just a pleasure to meet you!" Mrs. Nushmutt continued.

"You too, it's an honor, is that your son?" Mr. Howard asked.

"Oh yes, that's Benjamin, he's a very well-behaved kid, he always gets good grades," Mrs. Nushmutt beamed.

"Oh, well that's nice to hear, my son, Todd, tries to do well, but he always gets sent home early," Mr. Howard said. "He still hasn't told me why, though."

"Mr. Howard!" Mrs. Jewls shouted. "You should know not to speak out in my class, now go write your name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE."

Benjamin cringed. His mother was already getting everyone else in trouble, and she hadn't been in class for any longer than five minutes. He knew today was going to be a disaster.

Mrs. Jewls held up two fingers to keep everyone in her class quiet. She used to use a cowbell, but she learned the hard way that that can attract wayward cows. We've already established how crowded this room is, so you probably get why she wouldn't want to do that. As the room went quiet, Mrs. Jewls started speaking.

"Now, before we get to the conference part of the Parent-Teacher Conference, would anyone like to introduce themselves?"

"Oooh, oooh!" said Mac.

"Yes, Mac?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

"Hi, everyone! I'm Mac!" said Mac.

"We know that," said Mrs. Jewls.

"Yes, but you asked if _anyone_ would like to introduce themselves!" explained Mac.

Mac was always telling everyone about himself. He had a lot of interesting things to say. Benjamin wondered how he had such confidence. Benjamin always worried that if he were to talk like that, he'd just embarrass himself.

Mrs. Jewls put her hand on her face, and looked around the room again. "Anyone else?" she asked. Mrs. Nushmutt had her hand raised.

"Yes, Mrs. Nushmutt, would you like to introduce yourself?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

"Oh, of course!" she said. "I'm Sarah Nushmutt, I moved here from Hempleton a few months back, my son Benjamin is in this class! Hi, Benny!" She waved at Benjamin.

Benjamin anxiously waved back. At least _he_ wasn't going to embarrass himself.

"Benjamin is a very good student, have you seen his last report card? He got straight A's! Except for that B in math and social studies, but he's working on that! I am very proud of him, and I am very excited to meet some new friends today!" Mrs. Nushmutt said. She rambled on, and on, and on about how good a kid Benjamin was, from his grades, to his talents, back and forth and forth and back. She had a lot to say, and she said a couple things two or three times just for emphasis.

Benjamin was worried his mom was talking too much. He loved how excited she was, but worried everyone else thought she was getting boring. Was she? He looked around the room, but he couldn't tell. He was never particularly good at taking others' social cues.

"Hold on, you have all been so nice today! Let me get something for all of you in my car, I'll be just a second!" Mrs. Nushmutt said. She rushed out the door and down the stairs. Everyone stared at the second hand on the clock. She said she'd be just a second. It couldn't be too long.

One-thousand, five hundred and sixty-eight seconds later, Mrs. Nushmutt returned to the classroom with a tray of cookies.

"I guess I got a little carried away out there!" she said. "I brought some cookies, if that's alright."

"Do any of them have peanuts?" asked Jason's father.

"I don't think so," said Mrs. Nushmutt.

"Well that's disappointing," said Jason's father. He was allergic to peanuts, but he loved the taste. It was like Mrs. Jewls and strawberry yogurt. Sure, it was bad for him, and even had a chance of killing him, but as far as he was concerned, what's life if you don't live a little?

Chances are, you should not take life advice from Jason's father.

Everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class and their parents ate Mrs. Nushmutt's cookies. The truth was, however, she didn't cook any of them. She baked them all.

"These are some of the best cookies I've ever had!" said Leslie.

"No, child, these are obviously baked," explained her mother, Mrs. Speaker.

"Well, they're delicious anyway," Leslie responded.

Mrs. Jewls dismissed all the kids to recess so she could get to the conference part of the Parent-Teacher Conference. It would be tough if all the students were able to hear what Mrs. Jewls was saying about them. Deedee was happy because she was able to get a green ball before anyone else. Benjamin, on the other hand, was still worried about how his mother might've made him look. What did everyone else have to say about what she had to say? He decided to ask around to find out.

"So you all saw my mother there, in Mrs. Jewls's class, right?" asked Benjamin.

"How couldn't we, she was at the front of the room all day," snarked Kathy.

"Well, she didn't bother you, right?" Benjamin continued.

"Why would she? She had so many interesting things to say!" said D.J., who said bad things about nobody.

"I disagree, the whole time, I was considering jumping out the window," said Kathy, who said bad things about everybody.

Benjamin decided he was talking to the wrong people, so he walked across the playground to find another crowd.

But it wasn't him who found another crowd, it was another crowd that found him.

"Hey Benjamin!" shouted Joy from behind his shoulder.

Benjamin was startled. He quickly turned around seeing most of Mrs. Jewls's class behind him.

"Dude! I didn't know how cool you were!" said Joy.

"Huh?" asked Benjamin.

"That time you got second place at your old school's track team?" explained Joy, "That sounds so cool!"

"I've always wanted to run track!" said Ron.

"It's not too impressive," started Benjamin, "I only got second place."

"So? I hear second is the best these days," said Joy.

"I thought it was the first loser," questioned Benjamin.

"Well, that means it's first at something," Joy reasoned.

Benjamin couldn't believe his classmates thought he was cool. "Well, what else?" he asked.

"Well, the bakies your mother made were delicious," said Leslie.

"Bakies?" asked Benjamin.

"They weren't cooked!" Leslie explained, "But that didn't make them taste bad."

"And your grades!" said Terrence, "Mine look about the same, but instead of A's it's D's, and instead of B's it's F's."

Everyone got near Benjamin talking about how impressive a kid he was. Benjamin could've sworn he was average, maybe slightly above average at best, but his strength was in being kind of good at a lot of things, instead of really good at one.

"I can't believe how much your mom has to say!" exclaimed Mac. "I'd love to hear more!"

"It's unfair," Jason said, "Your mom tells us awesome stories, brings us cookies-"

"Bakies," corrected Leslie.

"Whatever," he continued, "and when things are getting good, Mrs. Jewls kicks us out for some Parent-Teacher Conference?"

"It's what Mr. Kidswatter asked for," said Benjamin, "What are we supposed to do about it?"

"I'll tell you what we're supposed to do!" shouted Jason, "We're going to go inside and stay there until we can get your mother back outside! Who's with me?"

The students of Mrs. Jewls's class cheered, and barged inside. Except for Kathy. She didn't want anyone else on the playground, and she realized she had all the time to be alone.

On the thirtieth story, Mrs. Jewls was trying to hold the Parent-Teacher Conference. It wasn't going very well.

"Can Melissa come to the front of the room?" asked Mrs. Jewls. Three women walked up to her.

"Which one of you has a son named Eric?" Mrs. Jewls asked.

"I do!" said Melissa Fry, Bacon, and Ovens at the exact same time.

It was at that point all the students burst in through the door.

"Mrs. Jewls! We're here to end this Parent-Teacher Conference!" shouted Jason.

"Why?" asked Mrs. Jewls.

"We want to hear more stories!" said Mac.

"We want to eat more bakies!" said Bebe.

"We want to learn more about Benjamin!" said Jenny, "He's always been so secretive, but after learning so much about him today, he seems really really cool!"

"I'm cool?" asked Benjamin.

The students nodded their heads.

Mrs. Jewls was confused. "If you want to learn more about Benjamin, why don't you just ask him?"

Benjamin's face paled. He wasn't very good at telling his classmates about himself. It took him over a month to tell them his name, of all things. Everyone thought his name was Mark before that.

"I'm certain Benjamin has a lot to talk about!" said Mrs. Jewls.

"Oh, he definitely does! Like that one time we went swimming, and he made it all the way to the deep end of the pool all by himself! He didn't even realize it until he was nine feet deep, when he started flailing and screaming and—

"Mom!" Benjamin shouted.

"Sorry!" said Mrs. Nushmutt.

Benjamin turned around. It was ridiculous! Was the class going to think he was cool after hearing that?

"Come on!" said Jenny, "I want to hear the end of that story!"

Everyone murmured in agreement, when Mrs. Nushmutt piped up.

"Oh, well you see—

"No," said Mrs. Jewls, "Let Benjamin tell it."

Benjamin looked at his classmates. His face was red. He looked at Mrs. Jewls, who nodded her head. He looked back at the class, took a deep breath, and started talking.

"So I unknowingly swam to the deep end of the pool, right?" Benjamin started, "And I was scared. I tried yelling as loud as I could for my parents, when they rushed over. I asked them to pull me out of the pool, but my dad told me I needed to overcome my fear. He told me to relax, and just keep swimming, and the next thing I knew, I was doing just fine."

Benjamin let out a sigh. He could already anticipate the laughter, but he couldn't hear it. He thought he might be going deaf, when he heard someone else speak.

"And then what?" asked Dameon.

"What else do you want me to say? I went to the deep end of the pool, I was afraid, but then my dad told me not to be, and I was a bit calmer! Is there anything else to know?" asked Benjamin.

"Did you stay in the deep end?" asked Dameon.

"No," said Benjamin, "I was still kinda worried. I wasn't as intimidated, but I didn't want to go back. I stayed at about three and a half feet for the rest of the day."

"Oh, well that's okay," said Dameon, "I've never gone much past four feet myself."

Everyone agreed Benjamin was very brave. Trying to face a fear like that took a lot of courage.

"But I was afraid!" Benjamin exclaimed. "I didn't stay there for much longer than two minutes!"

"But you made the first step, and that's what really counts!" explained D.J. "Even if it was clumsy, you still did it, and that's something you should be proud of!"

Benjamin never thought of it that way. It was weird, even though he climbed thirty flights of stairs every day, he was always afraid of the first step, at least in a metaphorical regard. But having cleared it, he felt more prepared to take another, or at least walk back up that step again. Maybe he was ready to start up a different staircase.

"I guess I should tell you a little more about myself?" asked Benjamin. Everyone else nodded.

Benjamin took another deep breath. "Okay, my name is Benjamin Nushmutt. I live with my mom, my dad, my older sister, and my pet mouse. I am ten years old, and in my free time, I like to read books and walk outside." He only said the easy stuff, mostly things everyone else already knew, but they were excited to hear anyway. He looked to his mother. She was very proud to see her son so social for the first time.

"And make sure to introduce me to your new friends!" Mrs. Nushmutt said.

Benjamin smiled. He'd think about it.

"Wait, you're ten years old?" asked Bebe.

Benjamin nodded his head.

"I thought you told be you were nine a couple months ago," Bebe said. "When is your birthday? I need to make sure so we don't ever miss it!"

"March 3rd," said Benjamin.

"But that was yesterday!" said Bebe.

"I was too afraid to tell any of you!" Benjamin started. "I didn't have a party planned, and I thought you wouldn't like me!"

"Well why don't we start one right now?" said Bebe. "Mrs. Nushmutt, can you bake some more bakies?"

"Mrs. Nushmutt and I are about to have a conference," explained Mrs. Jewls, "But I'm certain you could get some from Miss Mush!"

All the students looked at each other. They weren't going to take that suggestion to heart.

But they were going to throw Benjamin a party. They picked him up by the back, and carried him downstairs, cheering his name all the while. It was weird, Benjamin thought, everyone else had a much easier time saying his name than he ever could before. But now that he had taken the first step, he felt it wouldn't be that way for too much longer.


	12. Best Fiends Forever

Most of the students in Mrs. Jewls's class had a pretty close ring of friends. Eric was friends with Eric and Eric, Jason was friends with Stephen, Rondi was friends with Allison, and Joy was friends with Maurecia. Chances are if you were to walk up to anyone in Mrs. Jewls's class and ask, "Hey you, who is your best friend?" You'd probably get an answer.

The only reason it is "probably" is because of Kathy. If you asked Kathy who her best friend is, she'd say "Why are you bugging me?! Buzz off! I hate you as much as I hate everyone else!" She'd probably then proceed to stick her tongue out at you, turn around, and stomp away.

To be fair, it makes sense. No one would want to be best friends with someone who acts like that all the time, but more on that later.

Mrs. Jewls was preparing a project where everyone would talk about who their best friend was. Mrs. Jewls was delighted to hear all the bright, young faces in her class talking about the nice time they played kickball, ate ice cream, or rode bicycles together. Mrs. Jewls was a fair bit less delighted when she heard Kathy's report.

 _ **MY BEST FRIEND:**_

 _ **Written by Kathy Demenzia**_

 _ **No one in Wayside School is my best friend. No one on Earth is my best friend! Once I heard that a meteor killed the dinosaurs. Why couldn't that meteor come millions of years later and kill everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class instead? It's a shame that can't happen, because the meteors would run away after seeing how ugly and stupid everyone here is! Maybe instead, the school could fall over and crush everyone inside. Maybe then my parents will transfer me to a good school where I don't have to see any of you ever again!**_

The essay continued in similar fashion for about five paragraphs. Mrs. Jewls failed Kathy for overusing words like "stupid," "ugly," and "dumb," then made her write her name under the word DISCIPLINE for being so mean.

That's why Kathy hated Mrs. Jewls. She was just trying to express herself! She had written a literary masterpiece, and it only got her a failing grade and a strike towards a ride on the kindergarten bus.

Mrs. Jewls wasn't going to send Kathy home yet, but she was going to hold her inside during recess. "I have a test for you," Mrs. Jewls began. Kathy hated tests, and she especially hated that Mrs. Jewls was giving her a test that no one else had to take. "Sharie is going to be spending recess inside. If you can become friends with her by the time the bell rings, I'll erase your name from the board and give you a Tootsie Roll Pop."

Kathy thought that this was the dumbest, hardest test she had ever been assigned. Befriend the snoring, dribbling kid who sits next to you while everyone else enjoys a day outside? What did Kathy have to gain from this?

Well, her name would be erased from the board and she'd get a Tootsie Roll Pop. That was a little bit tempting.

Kathy let out a sigh, and looked at Sharie. "Well, at least she's quiet," Kathy said to herself. Sharie usually stayed asleep, so unless she was snoring, Kathy didn't have to bother with listening to her voice. That was a plus.

Of course, Kathy couldn't win a Tootsie Roll Pop if Sharie stayed asleep, so Kathy slapped her on the back as hard as she could to wake her up. "Get up, lazybones!" Kathy yelled.

Sharie slowly woke up, and turned her head towards Kathy. "Hi, Kathy," Sharie said.

"Mrs. Jewls says that I have to become friends with you by the end of recess, or else I won't get a Tootsie Roll Pop!" Kathy shouted.

Sharie was only half awake, but she was perfectly fine with becoming Kathy's friend. Sharie was always glad to make a new friend. Sharie didn't hate anyone in Mrs. Jewls's class, but when you're asleep most of the time, it's hard to realize that anyone is a bad person. Sharie stretched her arms, and straightened herself in her chair.

"Sounds good, Kathy," Sharie began. She waited for a few moments, hoping Kathy would start a conversation.

"Well, are you gonna say something?" Kathy said.

"I dunno!" Sharie replied, "I'm not good at saying things!" Sharie laid her head against her desk for a few seconds, and turned her head towards Kathy. "That's a pretty nice shirt, though."

Kathy's shirt had the logo of a metal band that looked like a bunch of unreadable thorny bushes. No one was actually sure how to pronounce the band's name, but everyone had their guesses.

"Have you heard their latest album? I really enjoyed the energy, it's enough to keep me up at night," Sharie stated.

"Wait, so you're also a fan of -̥_̯̺͍̺̼̘̾̆+͈ͨͤ̇̎ͮ=͇ͤ̾͛ͮ͒̑|̭̻͓͛̊͆͐̊}̰̭͉̬̱̬̂͋?" asked Kathy.

"I'm pretty confident it's pronounced *̀-̱͙̹̆ͨ͂͒͂̉̐́^̴̙̭̭̺̹͐́́̿̎̍ͅ-͕̣̜̮̯͉ͧ̒̇ͭ͌:̺̤ͮͩ͐̐_̴͚̜͖͕͎͉̽ͮ͆̃͒ͪͅ, but yeah," Sharie replied. Sharie got out a pair of earbuds. "I don't mind if you listen."

Kathy put in the earbuds and listened to the music with Sharie. It was very loud and hard to listen to, exactly as Kathy liked things. Sharie had good musical taste. Kathy sighed, "Alright Sharie, you're probably the least irritating kid in class."

It was the nicest thing Kathy had ever said.

"So does that mean we're friends now?" Sharie asked.

"...We're not enemies," Kathy stated.

Sharie took that as a compliment and gave Kathy a hug. Kathy only kind of minded.

Mrs. Jewls walked inside to see Kathy and Sharie getting along moderately well.

"You see, Kathy?" Mrs. Jewls said, "You just need to branch out more! I'm sure you could make plenty of friends with that attitude."

"What do you know?" said Kathy. "You know nothing at all! I don't know why anyone would hire you to be a teacher!" Kathy tried to push Sharie off to the side to prove they weren't friends, but Sharie laughed it off and hugged her back.

Mrs. Jewls questioned the relationship, but out of fairness, she gave Kathy a Tootsie Roll Pop and erased her name from the board.

Kathy didn't want to admit it, but she and Sharie had chemistry with one another. They were lab partners for the rest of the day. They were performing an experiment where they were trying to turn pennies green with salt and vinegar.

Kathy watched the pennies in the salt and vinegar intently. There was a small green crust on the penny, but they didn't seem to be "turning green."

"This is stupid!" shouted Kathy. "We've been watching the pennies from five minutes, and they aren't green yet."

"Well, what if we just paint them green?" suggested Sharie.

"What?!" Kathy shouted, "Mrs. Jewls will just find out that we cheated, and we'll get in trouble!"

"Well, she just asked us to turn the pennies green," Sharie explained. "We can just say the salt and vinegar wasn't working."

Kathy though Sharie was a bit foolish. But Sharie was her only kind-of-sort-of friend, and it was still technically passing the science assignment, so she went with it.

At the end of the period, Sharie and Kathy turned in the painted pennies to Mrs. Jewls.

Mrs. Jewls looked at the painted pennies. Kathy and Sharie smiled back at her.

"You know I can tell these are painted, right?" Mrs. Jewls said.

"Great going Sharie, now you're going to get us both killed!" shouted Kathy.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Jewls, but the pennies weren't oxidizing fast enough!" Sharie explained. "We had to paint them, or else they wouldn't be green."

Mrs. Jewls appreciated their creativity. She handed them both Tootsie Roll Pops for that. Kathy was glad to get two Tootsie Roll Pops in one day. That was more than she'd ever had before.

Kathy decided she was probably friends with Sharie. However, she was worried others would find out. If others would find out, she thought, then they would all want to be friends with her as well, and that would be terrible.

So Kathy told Sharie to keep it a secret. If they were only secretly friends, Kathy could still hate everyone else, which is exactly what she wanted.

"Promise you won't tell anyone else at all!" Kathy shouted at Sharie.

Sharie nodded her head. "I promise," she said.

But Sharie was far too excited to have a new friend. She couldn't keep it secret forever! She had to find someone she knew would keep it secret. She figured that as long as only the three of them knew, it would be okay. She decided to tell her girlfriend, Leslie. She figured Leslie would be able to keep a secret.

But Leslie was also excited to hear the news, so she told her friend Paul.

And Paul told Todd.

And Todd told Ron.

And Ron told Deedee.

And Deedee told Jenny.

And Jenny told Joy.

And so on and so forth. It was weird, everyone assumed that as long as one of their best friends could keep Kathy's secret a secret, it wouldn't spread too much farther. But soon everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class knew, because everyone in class wanted to tell their own best friend the secret.

The next day, when Kathy was walking to class, she saw D.J. smiling at her in the hallway.

"Hi, Kathy!" said D.J. "I hope you're having a wonderful day today!"

"Shut up, Dumb Jerk," griped Kathy. She hated D.J. because he was always being so nice to everyone. She continued walking forward.

On the twenty-second story, Allison was waiting for her in the hall. "Hey, Kathy! Would you like to talk after school?" asked Allison.

"Why would I ever hang out with someone as ugly as you?" asked Kathy. She hated Allison because she was always trying to get on her good side. She wanted to make it clear to Allison that she hardly even had a good side. She continued upstairs.

On the twenty-eighth floor, Dana was waiting.

"Good morning, Kathy!" She started, "Would you like to meet me in the library during recess?"

"I'd rather kiss a dead rat!" shrieked Kathy. She hated Dana because she cried too loud whenever a dog died in one of the books they were reading. Kathy thought those were the best parts.

But it was weird, because other than when she was crying so loud, Dana was usually quiet. She hardly ever talked to other people unless she really needed to. D.J. and Allison were always trying to be nice to Kathy, and always subsequently failing, but Dana usually kept to herself. Kathy had no idea why _she_ would be so nice.

Kathy continued all the way up to Mrs. Jewls's class on the thirtieth story, when everyone greeted her at once.

"Good morning, Kathy!" the class said in unison.

Kathy was confused. She hated everyone, because everyone hated her, because she hated everyone. Because everyone hated her, she had no idea why the class would be so nice for a change. She put on a scowl and took a seat next to Sharie, the one kid in class she had any respect for.

Or perhaps not! What if it was Sharie that let her secret slip to everyone in the class? Was everyone thinking she had grown soft? Kathy glanced at her for the entire class period. Would she do such a thing? She was going to have to find out during recess.

At recess, Kathy met with Sharie. She was sleeping on the tire swing when Kathy tipped her out.

"Oh, hi Kathy," Sharie said.

"Don't 'Oh, hi Kathy' me," said Kathy.

"Oh, well how's a 'Hello, Kathy! How are you?'" asked Sharie.

Kathy grabbed Sharie by the wrist and lifted her into the air. She wouldn't be so heavy if it wasn't for her thirty-five pound overcoat.

"Tell me! Did you let our secret slip out to anyone else?" demanded Kathy.

"Don't be too concerned," explained Sharie. "I only told Leslie. She's very nice, and pretty, and beautiful, and smart, and lovely, and pretty, and—"

"Sharie!" shouted Kathy.

"Oh, right!" said Sharie, "The point is, you should be able to trust her with a secret. I don't think she'd tell anyone else!"

So Kathy stomped over to see Leslie. She was playing a game of tetherball with Stephen when Kathy pushed her over to the side.

"So Sharie told you my secret?" yelled Kathy.

"Who told you that?" asked Leslie.

"Sharie," said Kathy. "Who did you tell?" she proceeded to ask.

"I think I might've told Paul, but don't worry, he's my friend, I don't think he'd ever tell anyone else something I told him to keep secret!" she explained. "Otherwise, I might need to have a word with him."

And so Kathy went to talk to Paul.

Then Todd.

Then Ron.

Then Deedee, Jenny, Joy, and so on and so forth. She continued up until she reached Diana, but by that point, there was no one else to tell.

Kathy couldn't believe Sharie let her secret slide like that! Kathy knew she had a reason to hate everyone in Mrs. Jewls's class. She decided she was going to give Sharie a piece of her mind.

She marched across the playground, back to where Sharie was.

Sharie had fallen asleep on the tire swing again. She was a very talented sleeper.

Kathy rolled up her sleeve, and threw back her fist in the air.

But she couldn't do it.

Sharie was Kathy's only kind-of-sort-of-friend she ever had. She was able to get her two Tootsie Roll Pops in one day, had the same musical taste, and always prevented other people from using the tire swing. It was weird, when Kathy was playing with Sharie, she felt some weird emotion, an emotion she hadn't felt in years.

But since it had been so long, she had no idea to process what that emotion was. She gave Sharie a slap across the shoulder for forgetting to keep the secret a secret. Sharie slept through it, but she'd probably feel something when she woke up, unless her thirty-five pound coat cushioned the blow.

Kathy headed back to class. Mrs. Jewls offered her a chance to rewrite the essay using what she had learned for extra credit.

 _ **MY BEST FRIEND:**_

 _ **Rewritten by Kathy Demenzia**_

 _ **No one at Wayside School is my best friend. For that to be true, someone here would have to be good to begin with! Sharie is the one kid who is almost tolerable, but she sleeps through class most of the time, so she's quiet. If everyone else fell asleep as much as her, this school might not be so terrible all the time! She also listens to good music, gets me Tootsie Roll Pops, and gets me out of trouble, but she's also about as good at keeping a secret as a can of beans. Everyone at this school is, and that's why I'm still anticipating that meteor or some other natural disaster. That being said, all things considered, if Sharie somehow survived the crash, I may not be completely upset.**_

It continued like that for about five paragraphs. Mrs. Jewls gave Kathy a C. Words like "tolerable" and "anticipating" showed Kathy was paying attention to her vocabulary, though the point of the essay was still largely misunderstood. Kathy thinks she deserved an A+, but she still got a passing grade. Kathy didn't even scream at Mrs. Jewls! She just snarked behind her back and stuck out her tongue.

"It's just wonderful to see Kathy so well-behaved," said Mrs. Jewls.

Kathy mocked Mrs. Jewls's tone, and slammed the door behind her. She walked downstairs, when Sharie met her in the hallway.

"Hey, Kathy, I'm sorry about what happened earlier! I didn't mean to let the whole thing slip to so many people, but we're still friends, right?" Sharie said.

Kathy thought for a moment. She didn't want to be friends with anyone. But all things considered, the day before was the best she felt in a long time, and no one even got hurt.

"You know what, sure, why not," Kathy reluctantly admitted.

Sharie was joyed to hear that. She gave Kathy another hug, and she still only kind of minded.

But it was weird, Kathy felt that emotion again, the one she couldn't identify. It wasn't anger, or hatred, or malice, or disgust. She didn't know what it was.

But she figured that once she did know, maybe things wouldn't be so terrible.


	13. Tootsie Roll Pop

There was only one Tootsie Roll Pop left in the coffee can on Mrs. Jewls's desk. Mrs. Jewls usually handed them out whenever a student did really good, but after handing out so many during the protest, and handing out a couple more after that, she was only left with the one. Since the school year was so close to ending, she didn't intend to buy any more.

Mrs. Jewls had announced she was going to hand it out at the end of the day, and every student was preparing to act on their best behavior to get it. She hid the coffee can so no one would be able to steal the Tootsie Roll Pop when she wasn't looking, and so it would be more rewarding when it was finally revealed.

Bebe was hoping she'd be able to take the Tootsie Roll Pop, but there was one problem, which was that she was a very mischievous kid. She was always writing mean comments on her papers and trying to skip class at any given convenience.

However, she was also a very creative kid, and usually she was able to get away with whatever she pleased! As far as Mrs. Jewls was concerned, Bebe was a darling little angel. Bebe just needed to sell Mrs. Jewls on this if she wanted the Tootsie Roll Pop.

Bebe knew it was always nice to put an apple on the teacher's desk, so she did just that for Mrs. Jewls.

Mrs. Jewls wasn't used to receiving apples. All the students had terrible experiences with them in the past, because their mean old teacher, Mrs. Gorf, was able to turn the kids into apples. Mrs. Jewls was simply confused why Bebe would give her an apple to be nice.

"But why an apple?" she was asking.

"You're supposed to give teachers apples to show that you like them!" Bebe explained.

"But I don't like apples very much, it's too hard to eat through the core," Mrs. Jewls said.

Bebe was not going to be able to prove to Mrs. Jewls she was a nice student by giving her an apple. She had to think of something else. She considered giving Mrs. Jewls strawberries, since those were her favorite fruit. Mrs. Jewls is allergic to strawberries, though.

Bebe decided she needed to try something else. She decided she could show Mrs. Jewls that she was a nice student by showing that everyone else was a bad student in comparison. She tried to get her friend Calvin in on the plan by offering him half the Tootsie Roll Pop. They split the letters evenly, so she'd get the Tootsie, and he'd get the Roll Pop.

"Mrs. Jewls, I am speaking out loud in class!" Calvin said.

"I can see that, Calvin," Mrs. Jewls replied.

"I'm afraid I'm just too poorly behaved to get the Tootsie Roll Pop," he explained. He nodded towards Bebe.

Bebe also tried to get Todd in on the plan. She offered that he'd be able to keep the stick when she and Calvin were done.

"What?" Todd said, "That's ridiculous!"

"Mrs. Jewls!" Bebe called out, "Todd just called me ridiculous!"

"Todd, I am ashamed of you, you know that's no way to treat a classmate," Mrs. Jewls said. She made him write his name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE, and alongside that, he was barred from getting the Tootsie Roll Pop at the end of the day.

Bebe thought that plan was working pretty well, but in the end, it would be hard to do that for the twenty-seven other students in her class. She wasn't even friends with all of them! She just had to be nice whenever the opportunity showed.

Mrs. Jewls was preparing a bunch of worksheets to pass out. "Who would like to help me pass out the worksheets?" Mrs. Jewls asked.

"I would!" shouted Bebe and Dameon at the same time.

"Jinx! You owe me a soda!" Bebe said to Dameon.

Dameon sighed. He was worried it wouldn't look good for him if he didn't help out a classmate, so he ran downstairs to the first story, where the vending machine was. By the time he ran back up the thirty flights of stairs, Bebe had passed out the papers, and the class was already halfway done.

Bebe also got all the answers right, much to Mrs. Jewls's pleasure, and there wasn't a mean comment written anywhere on the paper.

"I'm impressed," said Mrs. Jewls, "I've never seen you so well behaved before!"

"Thank you!" said Bebe in return, "Can I have a prize now?"

Mrs. Jewls decided she needed to give Bebe a reward in return. Knowing she was so enthusiastic to help, Mrs. Jewls decided to give her more opportunity to do just that.

So she held her inside for recess. Bebe was asked to help Mrs. Jewls organize the filing cabinet alphabetically.

"I know I should put it before the flowers," said Mrs. Jewls, "But I'm considering getting a pet fish for the class soon. Would it go before or after the fishbowl?"

"I think it would go before," Bebe said. She wasn't particularly happy with the reward she got. She wanted to be at recess, and more than that, she wanted the Tootsie Roll Pop. However, she knew she wouldn't get that by complaining. She helped Mrs. Jewls push the filing cabinet into the corner.

"Okay, can I have a prize _now_?" Bebe asked.

But Mrs. Jewls wasn't done. Bebe had to give a note to the music teacher, Mrs. Carroll. She taught on the eighth floor. She had more notes than any other teacher in the school.

Bebe rushed down to the eighth floor, and gave a note to Mrs. Carroll. It was a B-flat. Mrs. Jewls was very happy that Bebe was able to deliver.

Bebe then had to wipe the desks, close the windows, and organize the bookshelves. Getting the last Tootsie Roll Pop was exhausting, but by the end of the day, she had it secured.

"Alright, Bebe, I think that will be enough," Mrs. Jewls said.

"Are you sure?" responded Bebe. "Are you sure I don't need to kill any dead rats, or help grade worksheets, or empty the wastebin?"

"I'm afraid we don't have time for that!" said Mrs. Jewls. "However, I'd like to give you this." She reached into her desk, and took out the coffee can that used to be full of Tootsie Roll Pops. She grabbed the last one, and handed it to Bebe.

Bebe smiled as she got the last Tootsie Roll Pop, but her smile quickly changed to a frown.

"Yuck!" she shouted. "I hate the orange ones!"

That's why it was the only one left. Nobody in Mrs. Jewls's class wanted an orange Tootsie Roll Pop.

"Well, if you want, you can keep the coffee can too," Mrs. Jewls suggested. Bebe was fine with that. It could help hold all her art supplies. The Tootsie Roll Pop, on the other hand, was of no use. She didn't even consider giving half to Calvin, he hated the orange ones too. All she did was throw it in the wastebin, and walk away.


	14. The Horrible Goblin Man

If there's one thing a small town can use to attract visitors, then it's a local cryptid. Stuff like the Loch Ness Monster, Mothman, or in the town around Wayside School, the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones. They hadn't thought of a catchier name for him yet, which might be why no one other than the locals have heard of him. Regardless, he was so popular around his town, that the people didn't care. The Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones was a local icon.

One night, Wayside School decided to hold a slumber party, where the students could spend the night at Wayside to enjoy spending time around the school, tell scary stories, and all the like. Of course the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones was going to be one of the scary stories everyone would share. Mrs. Carroll, the school's music teacher, had even written a song about him.

"I call this song 'The Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones,'" Mrs. Carroll said. She got out her guitar, and started playing an upbeat tune.

 _In a local forest that's not so far away  
_ _There's a man that prowls the land every night and day  
_ _And when you turn around sometimes, the next thing you have known  
_ _Is that a horrible goblin man has gone and eaten all your bones_

 _Don't worry 'bout your flesh and your muscles and eyeballs  
_ _The Horrible Goblin Man just wants your tibia and skull!  
_ _He'll stare ya' down with vacant eyes, and gnash his serrated teeth  
_ _Because as far as he's concerned, bones are the tastiest treat!_

 _Don't worry 'bout the goblin man, there's no need to be scared!  
All you'll have to fear is if your bones will still be there!  
_ _He'll chew 'em up with his sharp jaw, pick 'em clean with his sharp claws  
_ _He's the Horrible Goblin Man that Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones!_

Everyone was clapping, cheering, and having a wonderful time, except for Dana. Dana was terrified of the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones. When Dana went to sleep that night, she was mortified. What if the Horrible Goblin Man heard their song, she thought, what if he doesn't like being called horrible? Would he rather be the Handsome Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones? What if he eats my bones? Or Mrs. Jewls's bones, or Jenny's bones, or Todd's? Dana was worried that the Horrible Goblin Man would eat anyone's bones.

Dana usually liked the stories she heard, because she often felt the emotions more strongly than anyone else. Unfortunately, this meant she also feared the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones more than anyone else. Eventually, Dana decided she couldn't fall asleep, so she looked for Jenny. She was difficult to find, because Wayside School was thirty stories tall and Jenny could be on any one of them, but eventually she found her in the gymnasium.

"Jenny, I need help!" Dana shouted.

"What's wrong?" Jenny responded.

"What if the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones is after me?" Dana asked.

"Oh, no need to worry. The Horrible Goblin Man only likes more old, mature bones," Jenny said, "We're young, so the Goblin Man would probably just skip right past us."

Dana was reassured to hear that. She didn't want her bones to be eaten, or else she'd have to slither around like a jelly slug, and Dana thought slugs were kind of gross. Of course, her bones were safe.

But then she realized that her parents were at home! What if the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods ate her parents' bones? And some of her older siblings?  
Dana had too many siblings to count, unless you can count to sixteen. Then she had just the right number of siblings to count.

Dana started shivering again. She might be safe, but there were plenty of people she knew that might not be. Allison walked over to ask what was wrong.

"Dana's afraid of the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones," Jenny responded.

"Oh, why that's just silly. The Horrible Goblin Man doesn't even exist, and even if he did, he certainly wouldn't eat bones. Didn't you hear the song? He has serrated fangs! You can't eat bones with serrated fangs," Allison stated.

Dana was assured for a few more moments, but then she wondered how Allison would know that. Allison doesn't eat bones! All things considered, maybe serrated fangs are the best way to eat bones, and Allison just doesn't realize it.

Dana started shaking again. She was hopeless. Students constantly tried to help her out.

"You still get to keep your flesh and stuff, you just have to worry about your bones!"  
"He lives in the woods, why would he ever come out to town?"  
"I honestly think you'd look cuter without your bones."

Everyone made good points, but no one seemed to quite have the same paranoia Dana had. What if he got bored of the woods and wanted to take a trip to the city? What if he wanted to taste children because he got bored of mature bones? For every point about the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones people could make, Dana could imagine a rebuttal.

Dana ran away crying. She was scared.

Joe and John went after her. "What's wrong, Dana?" John started. "Are you afraid of the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones?"

Dana nodded her head quickly.

"Well gosh, I'd be afraid too!" John stated.

"Yeah, I heard that just last week someone got his bones eaten!" Joe responded.

Dana was shaking.

"Say John, do you think he'll return?" Joe asked.

"Oh absolutely," John said, "It's been a week. He always comes back for seconds."

"Oh no!" Dana cried.

"Oh yes! I'd keep your goozacks locked if I was you, you never know when he's gonna get ya'!" John shouted. Dana screamed.

"Hey!" Mrs. Jewls said from downstairs, "You two leave Dana alone!"

Joe and John ran upstairs as quickly as they could.

Mrs. Jewls was staying at the slumber party as a chaperone. "Dana, it's clear you need some help," Mrs. Jewls stated.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Jewls," Dana began, "I'm just worried that something bad might happen to me or you or someone in the class!"

"There, there, Dana, I know what I can do to help you out," Mrs. Jewls assured.

Dana was calmed a little, Mrs. Jewls helped her a lot in the past, and probably could help a lot now.

"The easiest way to overcome a fear is to face it yourself," Mrs. Jewls explained, "If we go into the woods together, maybe you can realize there's nothing to be afraid of!"

"No!" Dana shouted as loud as she could. "The Horrible Goblin Man lives in there, and if we go there he might eat your bones!" Dana didn't know what she'd do without Mrs. Jewls. Dana had had plenty of teachers in the past, and most of them weren't very nice. Dana was worried that without Mrs. Jewls, she'd be stuck with a mean teacher until middle school.

"We'll be okay, Dana. I promise," Mrs. Jewls stated.

Dana knew Mrs. Jewls never backed down from a promise. Dana wasn't eager to go to the woods with Mrs. Jewls, but she knew it was for the best.

Mrs. Jewls and Dana walked past the fence, and deep into the forest. Mrs. Jewls brought a flashlight to look around.

"Hello?" Dana said. Her voice echoed off the trees. She was shivering, but Mrs. Jewls held her close for comfort. Her eyes darted around, to make sure the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones wasn't there.

Dana heard something move, and she quickly turned around. Mrs. Jewls pointed her flashlight, showing it was just a raccoon.

"You see, Dana?" said Mrs. Jewls, "There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Are you sure?" Dana asked, just to be safe.

"Oh of course," Mrs. Jewls started, "It seems there's no Goblin Man here, and even if there is, there's plenty of wildlife in the forest. He has lots of bones to eat before he'd eat yours."

Dana was still shivering, but she knew she'd be okay. Mrs. Jewls helped her walk back inside.

"Hey, Dana, everything alright?" Mrs. Carroll asked.

Dana nodded her head.

"I was about to do an encore of the Horrible Goblin Man That Lives in the Woods and Eats Your Bones," Mrs. Carroll began, "You can stay down here if you want. I didn't mean to scare you earlier."

Dana looked at Mrs. Jewls and back at Mrs. Carroll. "Actually, I think I'll join you this time!"

"Alright!" Mrs. Carroll exclaimed. Dana smiled as she walked to the campground on the sixth floor. As Mrs. Carroll played her encore, Dana sang along and cheered louder than anyone else. She was having the time of her life.


End file.
